December 2006

2 December 2006

Having read through your archives and seeing that parents were offended by the "Babies are Assholes" cartoon, I thought I'd put in my two cents and say: they are, more than the childless realize.  (I should know, I've got two.)  Also, "Gentlemen, I have shat myself" is now a family cliche.  Thank you!

Finally, if you ever need an extra monster, check out The Incredible Melting Man.  It's one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen, but the titular Melting Man would be pretty cool to draw.


Helen Bowerman:

Mr. Kreider has many friends with the children in whom he must simulate interest, thus he goes well informed of their moronic nature and cannot imagine to be made moreso--but this is why he is not nor ever will be a relative. He is satisfied as always learning that one of his plays from spirit, including the word "shat," has passed into the vernacular of our period.

He recognizes The Man Whom It Is Hard to Believe Is Melting  from the children's magazine Starlog, but he did not see this film. He will look at it and perhaps to incorporate the M.W.I.I.H.T.B.I.M. in his repertory of the monsters, although it promises to take much time to draw.




3 December 2006

Hi Ms P

I'm assuming that Tim was just tired of writing his rather glorious artist's note this week rather than that he hasn't thought of extending the repression mechanism analogy to the WOT. 

Why (compared, say, to Europeans-- despite the Madrid atrocities, I don't see that Spain's foreign policy and national life are dominated by an obsession with this enemy) do Americans get so angry with the so-called "Al Qaeda" terrorists?  Yes, they're murderers, definitely to be abhorred and condemned, but why the heightened emotion?  Maybe for a people that is supposed to be god-fearing, the experience of people who actually do appear to be devout (enough to commit mass murder for their beliefs) is alarming; maybe for a nation in which a significant proportion of the populace is rich enough actually to experience the emptiness of consumerism and in which the inequalities of capitalism are at their most pronounced, an attack on the "World Trade Center" is an impulse that might seem a little too close to something that might be in our murderous dreams and that therefore must be repressed?  And maybe a president who so does NOT resemble any authority figure we've ever come across in real life (except maybe the redneck cop we know is corrupt as hell) is the perfect person to encourage us to let those anxieties build up into a call for revenge? 

I'd go even further and say that the problem of the war and the reason support ebbed so quickly is that day to day contact via TV news etc with "real" religious fanaticism is pretty wearing, cognitive dissonance-wise, for the soi-disant religious person.  So enough "Christians" (smothered snicker), conveniently given a break by the Republican scandals from the normal social peer pressure not to vote for those limp-wristed Democrats, could temporarily sneak over the line for the Democrats to temporarily do the same.

This analysis of course leaves me sharing your (oops, Tim's) refusal to forgive the American people just because they did the right thing this time.

Heigh ho.


Chris Coleridge

Chris Coleridge:

Mr. Kreider finds your analysis of the foreign politics of his country as projection thought-provoking, to say the least. He has reprocessed with his interior sanctuary to negotiate on the alarming implications.



4 December 2006

Dearest Tim,

I am very impressed that you (our your assistant rather) takes time to respond to your fan mail. Remember that the smallest glimmer of hope is still hope. It maybe foolish but idealism is what separates the happy stupid people from the sarcastic smart people. We hate what we see and are cruel to it but only in the hopes that things will change.

If we don't hold hope, who will do it for us.

Like that Poem about Nazi's ( I know I know, republicans aren't nazi's ... though they are facist)

First they came for the jews 
and I didn't speak out
because I was not a jew
then they came for the trade unionist
and I didn't speak out
because I was not a trade unionist
then they came for the communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a communist
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

or something like that... I'm woking from memory here.

take it easy, keep us laughing at the darkness of our situation, and never never never surrender!!!

yours truly

Colleen Marquis,

Mr. Kreider agrees that the cyncics are only the disillusioned idealists. He tries to laugh at the darkness but this grows feebler as darkness engulfs him. He thanks you for your support but predicts his surrender in the year.

This is Mr. Kreider's most beloved Nazi poem. He offers this poem in the return to you, written on the occasion of Pluto's destruction:

When they came for the dwarves of ice

I did not say anything

because I was not a dwarf of ice.

When they came for the giants of gas

I did not say anything

because I was not a giant of gas.

Then, when they came for terrestrial planets

I was fucked, condemned,

and then the sun burst

and all was lost.




8 December 2006

Nice statement this week, Tim.  I found it quite easy to imagine myself saying those very same words.

Sincere thanks brother, as always.

- Tim


13 December 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

I'm writing regarding Mr. Kreider's Cartoon and Artist Statement for his December 13, 2006 cartoon. First, is it just me or does Mr. Tehn bear a striking resemblance to our hero, Mr. Kreider's renderings of himself?

Second, in no way should one handle letters while wearing white gloves. Yes, the oils in our hands are not good for paper, however far worse is attempting to turn pages or handle paper while wearing gloves! Those lovely brittle pages written on by H.P. Lovecraft would crumble and tear if handled with gloves. One hopes they were purchased by a library and will be made available to the public, even better, scanned and presented online.

I do hope Mr. Kreider is treating you well this holiday season Ms. Hautpanz, you certainly deserve a holiday bonus for all your hard work this year. I also apologize for my inability to correctly spell your name, having a lame email program that will not allow me to insert the appropriate umlaut.

Warmest regards,

Sarah Schmidt Fisher

Sarah Schmidt Fisher:

You are not the only reader to have presented their observations on the similarity of Mr. Tehn to the author. It is not my place to be speculating on the significances of the work of Mr. Kreider's, although I certainly could if called upon, and with unparalleled perspicacity, let me say to you.

Your expert information on the gloves will be of interest to Mr. Kreider, I know. I regret to say to you that that the fate of the letters of Mr. Lovecraft were bought by some associates of one Boyd, who I am told is also known with you, yes? --characters unsavoury to be certain, who without any doubt pile up the invaluable letters for themselves and are delighted and exult in their acquisition, smearing them with their nudity  in the darkness of a hidden place.

Less to be said of the "holiday bonus" is happiest for any interested party, I am sure.

My name is apparently incapable of spelling with all the Americans. It is of accustomed, and not to concern.




13 December 2006

Hello, there. I'm a big fan of the pain, and I wanted to know more about a few things I see that didnt have any clues in the artists comments.

who is mr. tehn? where is he from? I think he's a fairly awesome character, and it'd be cool to see more of his non-adventures, if possible.

also... what the hell are waminals? it sounds like an in-joke that has the potential to be hilarious. I am struck by half-formed psuedo laughter when I think of the phrase "man... fuckin' waminals."


Tom Bubenik,

I fear that I can throw little light on these things. You know as much as any reader, and only a little less than me. Mr. Kreider refuses to discuss the significance of Mr. Tehn, and as for the subject of W______s he prohibits all mention even of the word.

Mr. Tehn in the beginning was drawn by Mr. Kreider in his days of secondary school. He restored it  for obscure reasons. It is not my place to be speculating in the psychological import of Mr. Tehn although knowing Mr. Kreider several obvious interpretations jump to the mind. However, it is not suitable to indicate these to a reader.

The history of W______s is long and torturous saga. Mr. Kreider assembled the W______s in despair for the idea of a cartoon and ran it with major shame. However, to his surprise, many found them to be hilarious and they continue to be a favourite of the readers. From time to time he makes reference to them like "writing shorthand" for cartooning in a wretched way, cutesy and banal.

But some times later a mentally defective woman whose name, like the name of W______s themselves, it is now interdicted to speak, approached Mr. Kreider by the intermediary of the E-mail claiming that she had invented W______s initially. She had created a cast of the adorable characters of W______s for the goals educational, whose visages adormed the products of soap. She believed that they were her ticket to the richness, and ordered Mr. Kreider to give up to employ the W______s. The complex negotiations followed. Annoying overtures of the friendship were made. A legal team of phantoms was on several occasions called up. Often I was the medium, a hateful position I can ensure you. Mr. Kreider in end did not remove the drawings but purged the text to his Web site of the word "W______s" (consequently these absurd lacunæ) and informed the disturbed woman of W_______s in a stern voice that he regarded this question solved. He prohibits it to speak about. The W_______s, they torment him.

I hope that those clarify subjects for you. We are happy that that you appreciate the cartoons.




19 December 2006


I noticed sometime ago that there is an almost exact similarity between the events depicted in your 2/17/2002 cartoon "After Hours at the Capitol" and the track "Abortion Doctor From Hell!" on David Cross' comedy CD "Shut Up You Fucking Baby!": both discuss, in graphic detail, John Ashcroft sucking upon the bare breast of the Lady Justice statue in the midnight hours.  Is somebody stealing from someone else or is it just coincidence that you guys happened upon the same idea?



Although Mr. Kreider realizes of the comedy of Mr. Cross he does not know this album. Thus unless Mr. Cross stole the idea from Mr. Kreider it is most likely one coincidence. After all it is not a great imaginitative jump for a humorist to imagine the former Attorney General Ashcroft suckling like the infant to the dry cold teat of justice.




19 December 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

I'd like to donate some money to Tim Kreider for Christmas, but don't know how. I live in the U.K, so can't just send a cheque or something. It's not going to be able to be much, though, as I'm a student. Ah, weel.

-Adam Cuerden

P.S. Do you actually exist? Because Hot pants is fairly obviously a fake name, but it could be a pseudonym.

Adam Cuerden:

Your generous offer is appreciated but I propose that you not reward the plangent end-of-the-lips  poor-saying of Mr. Kreider's with a charitable donation but rather honour his achievements by buying one or both of his books as the holidays presents for the friends and the distant family eccentrics.

The family of Hautpänz is among the oldest and prestigious of what was in the past Prussia.




20 December 2006


As a graduate student, I can commiserate with you about monetary under-compensation.  But rest assured, your cartoons are at least 750% BETTER than any other weekly.  As a fellow cynic, I also savour every word of your eloquent Artist's Statements.  Do you write anywhere else?

Please don't get down and keep up the great work!!

- Patrick

Toronto, ON

p.s. If things down there don't improve, you're always welcome in Canada.


Thank you with you for your pleasant words. Mr. Kreider will try to maintain his seven hundred and fifty percent margin of the superiority above his colleagues.

His writing also appeared in the Times of New York, Film Quarterly, and the Comics Journal. Soon I will add a page of his writings.Mr. Kreider knows about Canada as the family of his mother is of Ontario. His wish is that his country of origin would follower their example except for the unfavourable climate.




21 December 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpþnz,

Please accept my apologies for an email which I unwittingly sent yesterday in a skeletal state of completion... I may have accidentally clicked 'send' in a post-exam alcoholic stupor. The email should have read:

As I was perusing the Washington Post health section online the other day, I happened upon an article that I thought Mr. Kreider might appreciate:


A sad, but hilariously twisted byproduct of the technological sophistication we insist on cramming into every crevice of our lives (and bodies).

As I read the top of the second page, two things came to mind. I imagined with astonishing relish our beloved Mr. Cheney being painfully shocked 30 times in a row as he attempted to die. I was then reminded of Mr. Kreider's comic on the death of Ronald Reagan, and how ironically similar Mr. Cheney's final moments might be. "Put the magnet over the device - it's the only way to make sure!" as a bug-eyed, 113-year-old Cheney lurches violently in his coffin. A vision of the future? One can only hope...

I also have to point out, as a medical student, an understandable flaw in Mr. Kreider's rhetoric: there is no such thing as "clinically insane." While the medical vocabulary contains many terms describing various aspects of mental illness, insanity is not one of them. The word is a lay concept, defined clearly only in the legal realm, where defense lawyers have quite a stake in the robustness of its claim to being a real word. Rant over.

Finally, I hope to escape the convention of prefacing this communication with sycophantic praise; instead, I will conclude with it. To me The Pain is like a hilarious comfort blanket, always accessible, reminding me that despite the frightening insanity of the world, there is something real and good and safe in it, and that I am not alone. The invectives in the artists' statements, saying what I want to scream (but with a twist), have a wonderful cathartic function as well. Please encourage Mr. Kreider to keep doing what he does. The city of Baltimore thanks him.

Yours truly,

Phil Brazio

Phil Brazios,

We please request you to forgive the extreme delay of this answer. Mr. Kreider was extremely sick in December and your letter was “lost in beating.”

Much though I am certain Mr. Kreider would find it pleasing to imagine the electrocution of vice-president Cheney, this article on the relentless repeated shocking of the already-dead is too terrible to share with Mr. Kreider. He is sensitive and offers the man his heart.

Mr. Kreider is quite conscious owing to the fact that “insane” is a legal term and nonmedical. His is a family of the doctors. He employs thisto open out the rhetoric only.

Let us thank you for your comforting words. To the town of Baltimore, said Mr. Kreider, “You are welcome.”




21 December 2006


I really enjoyed your Dickensian strip this week. Some of the finest pen work yet (and I'll allow the pun)! Looking at the photo you referenced for the Rumsfeld/Ford/Cheney trifecta I couldn't help but notice the rather curious expression on Ford's face. He's looking at Cheney like he just said something very off color. No doubt a real knee slapper. I also liked Nixon/Vietnam as the Future ghost. Also who is that you're referring to as the 1st ghost? 

Anyways, I hope you're doing well, and have a Happy Non-Denominational Holiday, 


P.S. I think I got you beat on the amount of time a weekly cartoonist bakes his bread. I've been spending the better part of THREE days on these 'Whatever' things. Where's my medal? 


I stand so fucking corrected it is not even funny. I did pause for a moment to conduct a cursory mental survery of my alt-weekly colleagues before committing that gripe to electronic print, but you're right; you obviously spend more time than I do on your drawings, and presumably for just as little reward. 

I'm sure if honest Gerald Ford had known what mischief those sprats would get up to he woulda squashed their heads together when he had the chance. 

Ghost of Christmas Past: Ben Franklin.