January 20072 January 2007 Dear Ms Phelatia Czochula-Hautpþnz, (Your name sounds familiar. You wouldn't happen to be related to Ms Felicia Jolly-Goodfellow of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert fame, would you?). I surfed to thepaincomics.com from the White Hat Stories blog, and very much enjoyed the Mr Tehn comic. I'm writing, however, to express my enormous envy upon reading of Mr Kreider's expedition to Sotheby's, and in particular his account of reading HP Lovecraft's letters. If there was a cool scale for experiences, that would have to rate somewhere around the Absolute Zero mark of coolness. Or at least as cool as the midnight abyss where Cthulhu and his Deep Ones mates lurk. Please thank Mr Kreider for sharing this extraordinary experience with the rest of us mere mortals. I'm looking forward to reading more of his work. regards, Cthulmillhu Brokking :)
5 January 2007 Dear Ms. Hautpanz: Please convey to Mr. Kreider that I too am a big fan of HP Lovecraft, to the point that I gave my firstborn the middle name Howard. That this name is coincidentally shared by both his grandfathers was a diversionary tactic to throw off the wife. I've been reading the last few weeks of your artist's statements, and although it's not at all difficult to believe that as an independent, alternative cartoonist you're making zippo, I am curious: how do you make a living? You often write about traveling around the country visiting people, but not about having an income. Are you in fact a dissolute scoundrel and gambler, eking out an empty existence on a pitiful inheritance from a distant great aunt whose moth-eaten corpse lay propped in the crumbling garret of her manor house in the swamp for months before its discovery? Also, how about some more Lovecraft-themed comics?
6 January 2007 Ms C-H and Mr. Kreider, First off, good to hear Mr Kreider is feeling better. Do not be ashamed to post lousy material, only to not post good material. Also... I have to be sort of cool here as I am writing this on a library computer surrounded by young filth. (You know, the sort on display in eastern Baltimore County.) Tim has often mentioned his cat, now appearing in the latest installment of The Pain (Jan 5). Question: how come he hasn't posted a photo of her yet? And secondly: how close are you, Ms. C-H, to completing your book, "The Cat of the Man who Did Not Like Anything"? I may well buy that. Marty Fuller
9 January 2007 Dear Ms. Hautpanz, I was reading Mr. Kreider's artist statement for this recent weeks work pertaining to the execution of Saddam. I was saddened to read in the foot note that people have a habit of sending Mr. Kreider links to horrible horrible executions, hangings, and the World Trade Centre in various states of National Tragedy. So I have taken it upon myself to send Mr. Kreider a video that is not distrubing but is instead decidingly cute. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUvVl7ojI0E The internet is also full of pointless nice things, like this video of a woman petting a cat. I'm sure Mr. Krieder may enjoy the cat video more than people getting hung or planes exploding buildings, as I have been made privy that he indeed owns a cat. Other than that, I would like to thank Mr. Kreider for his wonderful work that always fills me with laughter, with a slight after taste of outrage. Also, I really enjoyed "Why Do They Kill Me?" I was uncertain about Mr. Kreider's political cartoons over his more... uh... convenctional (?) ones that were featured in "The Pain When Will it End?" Thanks! Nick Peron
11 January 2007 Dear Tim, I was revising for a Religious Studies exam when I came across a passage in the Bible which I think you could find useful, Jeremiah 3:2. It compares the behaviour of a prostitute to that of an Arab. It made me laugh (though you have to use the Good News Bible- Second Edition, other translations do not give the same phrasing). But I've known Fundamentalist Christians to pick translations of the Bible according to what view they want to support, and in theory this could be used to justify the 'war on terror'. See what you think. your etc. Mim p.s. I'm a big fan and have recommended you to all my friends, several times.
18 January 2007 Good morning Ms., um, Hautpantz. I kid. Tim, I'm just another guy who thoroughly enjoys your strip. It has a way of getting right to it, you know? This week's MLK strip was rather fortuitous because I was just thinking on Monday that it's interesting how there's a retail opportunity for dead presidents, dead soldiers, and resurrected messiahs, but none for a civil rights leader. I'm mostly amazed because it's not at all beneath this country to have "Chevrolet's MLK Birthday Sales Extravaganza!". I guess it's just a matter of time. Thanks for a consistently great read. ~Ian
21 January 2007 Hey Tim, Sorry to bring up the W______. But I've had little Wem's voice stuck in my head since I first saw this cartoon. Take a peek at the attachment and tell me what you think. http://s125.photobucket.com/albums/p79/mimfranklin/?action=view¤t=WAMINALS.flv yours etc. Mim p.s. my voice is of course charismatic and attractive in real life
23 January 2007 Dear Ms. Hautpanz, Mr. Kreider's latest artist's statement was insufficiently glum to motivate a full suicide, but it cast me so deeply into the Pit of Despair that only alcohol could float me out. It was upon this tide that I experienced my revelation: Mr. Kreider is depressed because he has been trying very hard to write the best, funniest jokes possible. But the object of his jokes is the worst, most awful administration ever, nearly defying parody. Therefore, it strikes me that Mr. Kreider might be cheered by the challenge of attempting to write the WORST, LEAST FUNNY JOKES about this Administration possible. Just as Arthur Dent learned that the way to fly was to try to hit the ground and miss, so Mr. Kreider might aim for dreadfulness and accidentally hit quality. To help him over the brink, here are some ideas for the worst, least President Bush holding up the still-smoking boots of Jim Webb's son and saying "How's yer boah NAY-YOW?" "Aw Mr. Cheney, when'm Ah gonna get t'be the Top?" Alberto Gonzalez' slightly bird-picked head on a pike outside the Supreme Court building, with an otherwise normal looking scene in the background of people in suits going about their business. A doctor inspects the inside of George Bush's mouth in a manner very, very similar to Saddam Hussein's post-spider-hole oral exam. The president's tongue is tied in a knot. "Mister President, I did warn you about multisyllabic words..." A corporate suit is holding up a Bush Puppet and a Pelosi Puppet, each weilding a stick and a rolling pin aka Punch and Judy. Bush and Bin Laden relax at ease in a palace in the desert, waited on by veiled women. "...you only removed your bases AFTER I blew up your towers." "But Ah got 'em out!" "And we let you have Iraq. But Iran? I don't know..." "Ah gave ya m'danged kidney!" "Always you bring up the kidney..." That last one is particularly dreadful, being much too wordy. I hope, Ms. Hautpanz, that these dreadful ideas serve as useful antidepressants for Mr. Kreider. When he sees how amateurish and horrible they are, he will hopefully realize the true greatness and quality of his work, and be cheered accordingly. Still awaiting the URL to your adult website, Yours, -Bob Alberti
24 January 2007 I realize that I've already told Mr. Kreider this, but he really is the best cartoonist in the United States. When he's bad, he's still excellent, and when he's really on, there is nobody, and I say with confidence NOBODY, who can touch him. Some time back, I asked if he wanted to illustrate my lesbian pirate comic book, and he declined for reasons that I agree were good ones. Nevertheless, when my current artist, who's very good indeed, (See http://noahbrand.blogspot.com/ for details, also for proof that Leia fucked Luke and Han) wants to know how to do the lettering, I send him straight to thepaincomics.com to study the best. Yes, it's a hard and unpleasant thing, knowing one is talented but having that fact unacknowledged by the world. I ask Mr. Kreider to remember the beautiful Ray Bradbury story where a man invents a time machine, and only uses it to visit the deathbeds of Poe and Wilde and all the other writers who died believing they would be forgotten, whispering in their ears that their legacies live on. We all have more fans than we imagine, and Invisible Saddam is fucking hilarious. --Noah Brand
24 January 2007 Mr. Kreider, You mentioned in your latest statement that you're feeling a lack of positive feedback. I want to do what I can to rectify that lack. Your cartoons are, by far, the best editorial, political cartoons that I've ever read. Your artwork is of high quality, both interesting and engaging. Your observations are intelligent, witty, and hilariously funny. Your political opinions are, of course, spot-on without exception. I'm not trying to kiss your ass. I don't need a response, a recommendation, a link-back, or even your good opinion. I do want--entirely selfishly--for you to somehow find a way to continue producing the cartoons which have given me tremendous pleasure. If you can't, well, so it goes, but I do hope you can. I'm also going to express my gratitude and appreciation for your work more tangibly--that is, in cash--via snail mail. Larry Hamelin
24 January 2007 Tim, I just read your most recent artist's statement, and I was compelled to send you a link to this poster: http://www.acmenoveltyarchive.org/gallery/sp_index.php?dir=./041/ I spent a good couple of minutes trying to find this poster, and before I could do that, I had to remember what the hell it was called. That link has a bunch of different images of "Ruin: Your life Draw: Cartoons!", which I imagine you're familiar with, but if you're not, you're halfway there. Halfway because none of those images actually reproduce the poster so that you can read the body of the work, except the black and white original, which is, of course, only a reproduction of half the image. I tried, dammit. I question whether being reminded of/turned on to this cartoon will cheer you up, but I think if you're anything like me, you're happy to know that other people out there feel miserable in the same way you do. You might remember that I tried to buy you lunch, last May, and was thwarted by time, car trouble, and being at the mercy of other people. You might not. It's OK. I did end up making it to Mud, albeit many hours after I had hoped to arrive, and had a nice bowl of granola and yogurt. Thanks for being willing to meet me, it was very friendly of you. I've been holding off on writing you until I get a little more settled, but as I said above - compelled. I say settled because about two weeks ago, I moved from Los Angeles to Weehawken, NJ in order to be close to Manhattan and be a successful actor, instead of working odd jobs, drawing unemployment, etc. The offer of lunch still stands, if you have time, although it'll have to happen in the future, as my new day job hasn't started yet. So, yeah, don't let the bastards get you down. Of course, if they do, who would blame you? As I was preparing to write this letter I had an idea for a film that consisted entirely of people looking into a camera and saying the same phrase. Something like: "What the fuck are we doing in Iraq?" or "Why is George Bush still president?" There's gotta be some way to protest (or better yet, stop) what's happening, but I don't think taking it to the streets is going to accomplish this. I understand your frustration. With my fist in the air (for what it's worth), Jesse Schoem PS I would support "Oh, Mr Tehn" as a comic you should send to Pulitzer, I loved that one.
25 January 2007 Pullin' for ya on the Pulitzer! And, while agreeing with you that with most of you poli-satirists, the tone has become one with the drained, repetitious, nagging of the raging alcoholics wife--"ANOTHER 100 soldiers dead? You did that yesterday, and the day before, and last month" "Shut up, bitch"--I would like to point out that you have kept something fresh. You still manage to be funny, which in and of itself is Pulitzer worthy. So if you don't get one for prescience, may the panel (?) have the greater sensibility and recognize the profundity of that achievement. Go Tim!
26 January 2007 Dear The Pain Comics, I've become a recent reader of your comics, thanks to a link from a personal favorite, The Perry Bible Fellowship. A lot of your work makes sense of the times I'm feeling more viciously jaded and cynical, channelling that into some critique. And it also struck me that your style could work for a current project of mine, if you were willing and interested. And if I could fund it, too. I'll get to why I am writing. For nearly two years now I've been developing a politcal t-shirt business, with some type of political-artistic fusion that transcends a lot of what is currently out there. Things that are artistically more pleasing than a bland slogan, more clever than an image of President Bush with devil horns. I intended each image/shirt to express my sentiments on a given issue, with some part of that shirt's profits going to a correspondingly representative charity. Something about global warming would donate to renewable energy, something pro-choice would give to a pro-choice advocacy group, and so on. A lot of my ideas/images are entrenched in artistic trends and particular artists' style from history. I initially contacted Nicholas Gurewitch from the Perry Bible Fellowship for his ability to mimic styles (this is my favorite, the Roald Dahl/Quentin Blake spoof: http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF074AD-The_Golden_Ticket.jpg#144), but it didn't work out. One day I was checking out his links, and came upon your site. The fury that comes out in your illustrations and sentiments, that drew me in. For a lot of my designs, I've realized my artistic limitations and know I would be better off if I hired someone to illustrate them. So I am asking you right now if you may have interest in doing a commissioned drawing. I'll describe what I am thinking, and if it interests you, please write back. Knowing how you would want to be paid (a set fee, a cut of the shirts produced, a mix of both) would be useful, if we get to that. I'm fed up with the current distortion of the "cut & run" mindset in Iraq as cowardice, and a pussy-footed approach only representative of the Democrats. From what I've seen, it has yet to really attain a more positive light in the media and national perspective. Especially because, but not limited too, the fact that it is referred to as just that: cutting & running, and never receives a more noble title, such as our military bestows onto any unwarranted actions of theirs (read: euphemisms). Operation Iraqi Freedom for lack of anything better off the top of my head. I wanted to take just that, Cut & Run, and transform it into something noble. I've given it some thought, but one image that stays in my mind is that of Lady Liberty, blindfolded, gagged and bound to a chair, with a figure frantically cutting her loose. This figure could either be a US soldier or Uncle Sam, or a mix of the two--picture a super aggro Uncle Sam still with top hat, beard and chops, but some tattoos and combat gear as well. Ultimately, an expression of how many pressing issues are being squeezed out of the nation currently, with so much emphasis on whatever abomination we have concocted abroad. And for the federal Republican goons spying on our email, sure-- an abomination of biblical proportions, take that. It's just an idea I have, but of the ideas I'd like to develop, this is one of most pressing urgency and immediacy, so I'm trying to follow through on it. I've attached my first design, just to show that I'm not a total quack and have a tiny bit of work to back up what I'm saying. If you're not interested, I wholly understand. Maybe you could suggest a colleague who might be? Thanks for your time and keep up the incendiary work. Regards, Jon Kraus
27 January 2007 Madam - It pains me to write this email, as I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for Tim Kreider's comics. It seems that a small misspelling has crept into this week's cartoon. It appears in the second line of the text above the title: "hired a sorcerer to render hm invisible." Please note that the drawing reads "hm" instead of "him." Please also note that this week's cartoon is pretty fucking great. Yours, Kian
28 January 2007 I recently discovered /The Pain/ and started working my way through the archives. I noticed that on 8/01/01, the Artist's Statement mentioned someone who was pretty critical of those Artist's Statements. They were apparently "RUINING everything." I'd just like to state that I enjoy those statements (as well as the cartoons), and that I might not even have started looking at the cartoons without them. My compliments to Mr. Kreider--they're pretty entertaining.
31 January 20007 Ms. Hautpanz, Please congratulate Mr. Krieder for his return to glorious form. Zebulun
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