January 2007

2 January 2007

Dear Ms Phelatia Czochula-Hautpþnz,

(Your name sounds familiar. You wouldn't happen to be related to Ms Felicia Jolly-Goodfellow of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert fame, would you?).

I surfed to thepaincomics.com from the White Hat Stories blog, and very much enjoyed the Mr Tehn comic. I'm writing, however, to express my enormous envy upon reading of Mr Kreider's expedition to Sotheby's, and in particular his account of reading HP Lovecraft's letters. If there was a cool scale for experiences, that would have to rate somewhere around the Absolute Zero mark of coolness. Or at least as cool as the midnight abyss where Cthulhu and his Deep Ones mates lurk.

Please thank Mr Kreider for sharing this extraordinary experience with the rest of us mere mortals. I'm looking forward to reading more of his work.

regards,

Cthulmillhu Brokking

Camilla "Cthumillhu" Brokking-Maltas,

Mr. Kreider is happy that the People of the White Hat carried his work to your knowledge.

His friend Boyd had occasion to look at the letters and the manuscripts after their purchase, and reports that the manuscript of "The Avoided Room," like several of the stories of HPL, was written on the backs of old letters sent to him. (He reports moreover that this story was sold for 100.000 dollars of the United States.)

I am ignorant of the film about which you speak.

Respect,

C.-H.

5 January 2007

Dear Ms. Hautpanz:

Please convey to Mr. Kreider that I too am a big fan of HP Lovecraft, to the point that I gave my firstborn the middle name Howard. That this name is coincidentally shared by both his grandfathers was a diversionary tactic to throw off the wife.

I've been reading the last few weeks of your artist's statements, and although it's not at all difficult to believe that as an independent, alternative cartoonist you're making zippo, I am curious: how do you make a living? You often write about traveling around the country visiting people, but not about having an income.

Are you in fact a dissolute scoundrel and gambler, eking out an empty existence on a pitiful inheritance from a distant great aunt whose moth-eaten corpse lay propped in the crumbling garret of her manor house in the swamp for months before its discovery?

Also, how about some more Lovecraft-themed comics?

Scott Hamm,

Like the protagonists of Lovecraft, Mr. Kreider is a man of the disposition excessively sensitive and nervous who lives with parsimony on an inheritance in an isolated hereditary house and wintering in quarters narrow and Spartan, occupying himself with the study of the knowledge unwholesome and obscure.

Are you current with the person or the work of the cartoonist Peter Sickman-Garner? He, also, is employed by the University of Michigan, with the press of the university.

We send greetings with you and Howard the young person.

Respect,

C.-H.

6 January 2007

Ms C-H and Mr. Kreider,

First off, good to hear Mr Kreider is feeling better. Do not be ashamed to post lousy material, only to not post good material.

Also...

I have to be sort of cool here as I am writing this on a library computer surrounded by young filth. (You know, the sort on display in eastern Baltimore County.)

Tim has often mentioned his cat, now appearing in the latest installment of The Pain (Jan 5). Question: how come he hasn't posted a photo of her yet?

And secondly: how close are you, Ms. C-H, to completing your book, "The Cat of the Man who Did Not Like Anything"? I may well buy that.

Marty Fuller

Marty Fuller,

I will transmit your comments to Mr. Kreider, who will appreciate them without any doubt--although difference between the good work and the ugly is not always easily apprehended.

Photographs of the hateful cat were announced on the 'blog' of a neighbor who maintained it during holidays:

http://brightyear.typepad.com/bright_year/2006/12/index.html.

My novel languishes in the phase of inking because the requests of Mr. Kreider' s are frequent and painful.

Respect,

C.-H.

P.S. We wish you to remain fresh among the refuse of the library.

9 January 2007

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

I was reading Mr. Kreider's artist statement for this recent weeks work pertaining to the execution of Saddam.

I was saddened to read in the foot note that people have a habit of sending Mr. Kreider links to horrible horrible executions, hangings, and the World Trade Centre in various states of National Tragedy.

So I have taken it upon myself to send Mr. Kreider a video that is not distrubing but is instead decidingly cute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUvVl7ojI0E

The internet is also full of pointless nice things, like this video of a woman petting a cat. I'm sure Mr. Krieder may enjoy the cat video more than people getting hung or planes exploding buildings, as I have been made privy that he indeed owns a cat.

Other than that, I would like to thank Mr. Kreider for his wonderful work that always fills me with laughter, with a slight after taste of outrage. Also, I really enjoyed "Why Do They Kill Me?" I was uncertain about Mr. Kreider's political cartoons over his more... uh... convenctional (?) ones that were featured in "The Pain When Will it End?"

Thanks!

Nick Peron

Nicholas Peron,

I made forward of your calming video to Mr. Kreider. Every moment he expected that the cat whips out abruptly in a fury or for something horrible to come to the cat but indeed it was a quiet video devoid of violence or cruelty, a too-rare thing on the cursed Internet. It quiets his heart and reminds him pleasantly of his detestable cat-wife.

He also thanks you for the compliments concerning its work. He regrets the after-taste of the hate.

Respect,

C.-H.

11 January 2007

Dear Tim,

I was revising for a Religious Studies exam when I came across a passage in the Bible which I think you could find useful, Jeremiah 3:2. It compares the behaviour of a prostitute to that of an Arab. It made me laugh (though you have to use the Good News Bible- Second Edition, other translations do not give the same phrasing). But I've known Fundamentalist Christians to pick translations of the Bible according to what view they want to support, and in theory this could be used to justify the 'war on terror'. See what you think.

your etc.

Mim

p.s. I'm a big fan and have recommended you to all my friends, several times.

Mim Franklin,

Mr. Kreider thanks you for your support and for your recommendation. He asks me to direct your attention in Ezekiel 23:20 (edition of the Word of God): 'She coveted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of the asses and whose sperm was like that of the horses.' Mr. Kreider is puerile and idiotic.

Respect,

C.-H.

18 January 2007

Good morning Ms., um, Hautpantz.

I kid. Tim, I'm just another guy who thoroughly enjoys your strip. It has a way of getting right to it, you know? This week's MLK strip was rather fortuitous because I was just thinking on Monday that it's interesting how there's a retail opportunity for dead presidents, dead soldiers, and resurrected messiahs, but none for a civil rights leader. I'm mostly amazed because it's not at all beneath this country to have "Chevrolet's MLK Birthday Sales Extravaganza!".

I guess it's just a matter of time.

Thanks for a consistently great read.

~Ian

Ian Cariolo:

Excuses to delay in this answer. Mr. Kreider remembers seeing a column exactly on this subject, wondering how much time must pass before there are insipid events of sale encircling Martin Luther King' s birthday as well, and wished me to dispatch it to you. However he cannot recall which person wrote this or where it appeared, and thus gave the sterile responsibility to me to seek this document all among the Internet, which does not seem to exist.

Thus in the end I will simply thank you for your compliments and will wish you one happy delayed day of Martin Luther King.

Respect,

C.-H.

21 January 2007

Hey Tim,

Sorry to bring up the W______. But I've had little Wem's voice stuck in my head since I first saw this cartoon. Take a peek at the attachment and tell me what you think.

http://s125.photobucket.com/albums/p79/mimfranklin/?action=view&current=WAMINALS.flv

yours etc.

Mim

p.s. my voice is of course charismatic and attractive in real life

Mim Franklin,

Mr. Kreider has looked at this video. He is without voice.

Respect,

C.-H.

23 January 2007

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

Mr. Kreider's latest artist's statement was insufficiently glum to motivate a full suicide, but it cast me so deeply into the Pit of Despair that only alcohol could float me out. It was upon this tide that I experienced my revelation: Mr. Kreider is depressed because he has been trying very hard to write the best, funniest jokes possible. But the object of his jokes is the worst, most awful administration ever, nearly defying parody.

Therefore, it strikes me that Mr. Kreider might be cheered by the challenge of attempting to write the WORST, LEAST FUNNY JOKES about this

Administration possible. Just as Arthur Dent learned that the way to fly was to try to hit the ground and miss, so Mr. Kreider might aim for dreadfulness and accidentally hit quality.

To help him over the brink, here are some ideas for the worst, least

President Bush holding up the still-smoking boots of Jim Webb's son and saying "How's yer boah NAY-YOW?"

"Aw Mr. Cheney, when'm Ah gonna get t'be the Top?"

Alberto Gonzalez' slightly bird-picked head on a pike outside the Supreme Court building, with an otherwise normal looking scene in the background of people in suits going about their business.

A doctor inspects the inside of George Bush's mouth in a manner very, very similar to Saddam Hussein's post-spider-hole oral exam. The president's tongue is tied in a knot. "Mister President, I did warn you about multisyllabic words..."

A corporate suit is holding up a Bush Puppet and a Pelosi Puppet, each weilding a stick and a rolling pin aka Punch and Judy.

Bush and Bin Laden relax at ease in a palace in the desert, waited on by veiled women. "...you only removed your bases AFTER I blew up your towers." "But Ah got 'em out!" "And we let you have Iraq. But Iran? I don't know..." "Ah gave ya m'danged kidney!" "Always you bring up the kidney..."

That last one is particularly dreadful, being much too wordy.

I hope, Ms. Hautpanz, that these dreadful ideas serve as useful antidepressants for Mr. Kreider. When he sees how amateurish and horrible they are, he will hopefully realize the true greatness and quality of his work, and be cheered accordingly.

Still awaiting the URL to your adult website,

Yours,

-Bob Alberti

Bob Alberti:

I sent your ideas ahead to Mr. Kreider. They are useful to recall to him why he is the man who draws the humorous drawings and you are the people who must sit and read them. Although I must say to you I will not "put it after him" not to steal some of them. He complains that it is too difficult to draw some of them.

As for the other matter, I must advise you 'not to hold the breath.'

Respect,

C.-H.

24 January 2007

I realize that I've already told Mr. Kreider this, but he really is the best cartoonist in the United States. When he's bad, he's still excellent, and when he's really on, there is nobody, and I say with confidence NOBODY, who can touch him.

Some time back, I asked if he wanted to illustrate my lesbian pirate comic book, and he declined for reasons that I agree were good ones. Nevertheless, when my current artist, who's very good indeed, (See http://noahbrand.blogspot.com/ for details, also for proof that Leia fucked Luke and Han) wants to know how to do the lettering, I send him straight to thepaincomics.com to study the best.

Yes, it's a hard and unpleasant thing, knowing one is talented but having that fact unacknowledged by the world. I ask Mr. Kreider to remember the beautiful Ray Bradbury story where a man invents a time machine, and only uses it to visit the deathbeds of Poe and Wilde and all the other writers who died believing they would be forgotten, whispering in their ears that their legacies live on. We all have more fans than we imagine, and Invisible Saddam is fucking hilarious.

--Noah Brand

Noah Brand,

Thanks for your kind words about my work. It looks like the artist you've found is more than equal to the challenge, and my better at backgrounds and composition. That's a good, fierce-looking Blackbeard. I'm flattered to serve as a role model for lettering, though.

An encouraging word from the future on my deathbed would be nice. Perhaps you also know the Ray Bradbury stories in which literati travel back in time to rescue Tomas Wolfe from his deathbed and bring him to the future to write about space travel, and the one in which another aficionado picks up Ernest Hemingway in a time machine to take him back to die in a plane crash on Kilmanjaro instead of committing ignominious suicide past his prime. Either of these solutions would also be satisfactory.

Tim

P.S. This is a disturbing revelation about Star Wars. I have forwarded it to associates who will share my concerns.

24 January 2007

Mr. Kreider,

You mentioned in your latest statement that you're feeling a lack of positive feedback. I want to do what I can to rectify that lack.

Your cartoons are, by far, the best editorial, political cartoons that I've ever read. Your artwork is of high quality, both interesting and engaging. Your observations are intelligent, witty, and hilariously funny. Your political opinions are, of course, spot-on without exception.

I'm not trying to kiss your ass. I don't need a response, a recommendation, a link-back, or even your good opinion. I do want--entirely selfishly--for you to somehow find a way to continue producing the cartoons which have given me tremendous pleasure. If you can't, well, so it goes, but I do hope you can.

I'm also going to express my gratitude and appreciation for your work more tangibly--that is, in cash--via snail mail.

Larry Hamelin

Larry Hamelin:

I passed on your positive feedback to Mr. Kreider. I am certain that it much will be appreciated, although not to doubt his complaints and 'the fish for the compliments' will continue. It can never be enough to sate him, believe me.

I would not advise to send the money to Mr. Kreider unless it is specifically 'marked the ear' for a book or other goods. It will not be spent with wisdom.

Nevertheless to do what you wish.

Respect,

C.-H.

24 January 2007

Tim,

I just read your most recent artist's statement, and I was compelled to send you a link to this poster:

http://www.acmenoveltyarchive.org/gallery/sp_index.php?dir=./041/

I spent a good couple of minutes trying to find this poster, and before I could do that, I had to remember what the hell it was called. That link has a bunch of different images of "Ruin: Your life Draw: Cartoons!", which I imagine you're familiar with, but if you're not, you're halfway there. Halfway because none of those images actually reproduce the poster so that you can read the body of the work, except the black and white original, which is, of course, only a reproduction of half the image. I tried, dammit.

I question whether being reminded of/turned on to this cartoon will cheer you up, but I think if you're anything like me, you're happy to know that other people out there feel miserable in the same way you do.

You might remember that I tried to buy you lunch, last May, and was thwarted by time, car trouble, and being at the mercy of other people. You might not. It's OK. I did end up making it to Mud, albeit many hours after I had hoped to arrive, and had a nice bowl of granola and yogurt. Thanks for being willing to meet me, it was very friendly of you.

I've been holding off on writing you until I get a little more settled, but as I said above - compelled. I say settled because about two weeks ago, I moved from Los Angeles to Weehawken, NJ in order to be close to Manhattan and be a successful actor, instead of working odd jobs, drawing unemployment, etc. The offer of lunch still stands, if you have time, although it'll have to happen in the future, as my new day job hasn't started yet.

So, yeah, don't let the bastards get you down. Of course, if they do, who would blame you? As I was preparing to write this letter I had an idea for a film that consisted entirely of people looking into a camera and saying the same phrase. Something like: "What the fuck are we doing in Iraq?" or "Why is George Bush still president?" There's gotta be some way to protest (or better yet, stop) what's happening, but I don't think taking it to the streets is going to accomplish this. I understand your frustration.

With my fist in the air (for what it's worth),

Jesse Schoem

PS I would support "Oh, Mr Tehn" as a comic you should send to Pulitzer, I loved that one.

Jesse Schoem:

As it happens, I actually got the opportunity to see the original of this poster in the cartoon exhibit at the Jewish Museum here in Manhattan. (It's only up until January 28th, so hurry. Although if you have to choose, the other half of the exhibit on display in Newark, NJ is even better. That's the old stuff: George Herriman, Winndsor McKay, Chester fucking Gould, Charles Schultz.) Thanks for the thought. Always it is some consolation to know that You're Not the Only One--it may be the only consolation my own work ever offers. Though I think that if I am reduced to comparing my level of personal happiness and career satisfaction to Chris Ware's, I am in very serious trouble indeed.

Speaking of Not Being the Only One, I think your film sounds like an interesting idea, if maybe a little tedious to actually watch. Did you ever see the website of people holding up handmade signs apologizing to the rest of the world after the 2004 election? One of my favorite political writers, Matt Taibbi, wrote a good piece a few years ago about how completely obsolete and useless mass marches and protests had become, and vaguely suggested boycotts and strikes as the beginnings of a new direction for passive resistance in this country.

Mr. Tehn is a heartwarming classic, I agree. But I think the Pulitzer people are looking for more serious, topical, journalistic editorial content. Which is why I'll be sending "Mr. Cheney's Christmas Carol" instead.

Thanks for the positive reinforcement, which by the way, sounds like you could do with a little yourself. Good luck with the acting--it may be one of the few vocations even more hopeless and demoralizing than cartooning. At least there are only about 146 other people even trying to be cartoonists, and they almost all suck.

Tim

25 January 2007

Pullin' for ya on the Pulitzer! And, while agreeing with you that with most of you poli-satirists, the tone has become one with the drained, repetitious, nagging of the raging alcoholics wife--"ANOTHER 100 soldiers dead? You did that yesterday, and the day before, and last month" "Shut up, bitch"--I would like to point out that you have kept something fresh. You still manage to be funny, which in and of itself