November 2006

1 November 2006

Ms. Hautpanz:

May I recommend that Mr. Kreider give jazz a second look?  More than any other type of music, jazz builds on the complex music theory of Western classical that is evident in Bach.  An excellent place to start might be Keith

Jarrett's "Vienna Concert," a solo work for piano with an internal structure far more high-tech than its predecessors in classical music and just as listenable.  Those with only a passing familiarity with jazz might think only of Miles Davis; it's worth looking past that.


Matthew Sullivan

Matthew Sullivan,

Mr. Kreider' s knowledge of the jazz comes to him exclusively by an unhappy love affair, and it is thus the music in charge for him of sentiment, nostalgia, and the regret. ("I Could Write Book" is an intense object of pain for him.) Nevertheless he likes this music but is well-informed mainly only with standards and "songs to set fire to." He will seek the Keith Jarret which you recommend.




1 November 2006

It's me again... the obnoxious little nitpicker who used to write to you from the address, with such bon mots as "Surely you meant Iran?"

My latest contribution is "By Gaurda, I'm sure you meant Garuda?" I like the feathered critter myself. It sounds like you had a different volume of the

Bhagavad-Gita than I had when I was younger. Mine had a lovely picture of Arjuna in the chariot with Krishna, and also of him (? I think it was Arjuna)

firing an arrow at a target on the ceiling, using the reflection from a pool of water to guide his aim. Of course a king and his beautiful daughter look on, blandly awaiting the outcome.

Real people should be a quarter as graceful and beautiful as those in the Hindu myths.

You said: "But then inevitably you also get the caste system and suttee." I would add: "Don't forget thugee!"

I'm addressing this directly to Tim since I'm sure that Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz is merely a fictional front. It must be true-- it would be too fantastically horrible if her unearthly loveliness were, after all,


P.S. It's "fugue" not "fuge".

P.P.S. How I hope to win friends and influence people in this fashion is quite beyond me.

Gary Stephens,

Mr. Kreider has shame deeply and hopes not to incur the anger of lord Garuda. He requests the remission for his ignorance of the dreaded god of bird. And he has already been advised of the correct epellation of the "fugue" by another quibbler. Always Mr. Kreider makes good reception with specified information of the tiny educated. He wishes you success with your search for friends.




2 November 2006

Ms. Hautpanz/Mr. Kreider:

In the Netherlands many men hold that other religions accepted are and we are a pluralistic peoples, but our welfare state holds the minorities isolated and only by themselves.  Theo van Gogh perhaps still lives but if not for the hypocricy of our society.  Yet is Bouyeri insane, no question what ridiculous ideology that he praised. 

Also is that some bears.  What an expression that it has on its face!  I do cry for the Boyd-Bear. 


Mahault K.

Mahault K.,

Mr. Kreider is greived by the death of Van Gogh. He has little admiration for Moslems, it is true. He respects plurality to the top until the massacre of himself.

He joins you in your tears for the piteous bear of Boyd.




8 November 2006

I have the first four Pain comics; #1 has a footprint on it and a message, "collectors edition... stepped on by the artist" I bought it at a comic shop in Penn State... anyhow, I was wondering why are there no Mark Twain references/influences?  I think if Mark Twain were alive today and could draw... you'd have some competition. I see obvious similarities.  Whadupwitdat?

-Brian Cummings (I'm the drummer)

Brian Cummings:

To pardon I pray the lack of punctuality of this answer, but The Pain has endured "a period of adjustment." All are stabilized.

One of embarrassing countless gaps in Mr. Kreider's chequered American formation is his relative lack of reading of Mark Twain. He only knows The Adventures of Huck Finn and some stories. He does not have justification for this and hangs his head. The likenesses are due without a doubt to their likenesses in temperament; such pessimists and misanthropists that they take shelter in the jokes. It will serve Mr. Kreider as it did Mr. Twain to the end, I fear.

He congratulates you on your acquisition of the rare edition with the print of foot.




8 November 2006

Your artist's statement for the conclusion of the religions series implies that it was about Islam and that there was some tongue-in-cheek concern about "firebombings". If the fact that there is no part 3 on your site is a subtle play on the Danish cartoons, then I applaud you on doing something so meta. If, however, it was a cop-out because you were scared of ticking off Muslims, then I have to say I'm disappointed that you would help to erode freedom of speech that way. Sure, it's a choice between running a humorous (or not) cartoon or keeping your head on and I can't honestly say that I wouldn't make the same choice. However, you are experiencing a level of success and notoriety beyond most people and I would like to suggest that the price of this is that you sometimes have to put your money where your mouth is. If you liked Bill Hicks' response to the Christian thugs (even though I'm pretty sure it never happened and he was just making a joke) then you would be a hypocrite not to be equally defiant in the face of Islamic intolerance. As I understand it, it's a mortal sin for MUSLIMS to depict the prophet Muhammad. For non-believers, we're all going to hell anyways, so why should they care?

Keep up the good work,

Alan Mace

Chicago, IL

Alan Mace,

Things became "balled to the top with the office." The schedules of paper and the Web site were "out of beat." Islam was run as Part III in the paper. You will find it under Part I on the Web site. It is a confusion numerological only. To be calm, mister.



Ah, so then I guess that would mean that I'm an idiot? I see.


9 November 2006


I just wanted to share in the joy of a congress ruled with democrats. I know that it's not a big change but hell... it's a change, and i know that the bodies of top republicans aren't going to be swinging from the lamp post along pensilvania avenu..... but hell.... its a change. (my very own sic semper shithead...)

Anyway, just wanted to share a bousterious BOO YEAH with you for this victory

 Colleen Marquis,

Ypsilanti Mi.

Colleen Marquis,

As you can see from the Statements of the Artist Mr. Kreider is less than optimistic to the democrats but revels nonetheless in the destruction of his republican enemies. Thus he will join you in your vigorous howling, less from true enthusiasm than covetousness.




9 November 2006

So, now that the voters have finally risen up in their apathy and said "Ehhhh... we don't like the Republicans that much any more," what will we see in next week's offering?  Triumphal Tim Kreider blazing through the streets stomping the erstwhile oppressors into dust, or a message of conciliation and an offering of understanding? Joe

Joe Thompson:

We assumed your question to be rhetorics and to laugh. You already had your response in the form of the drawing of Mr. Kreider's and of the Statement of the Artist. As you can see it is to strike with the foot being sure. O, to let never not striking the foot to be ceased! It will be our cry of battle.




13 November 2006

Tim/Ms. Hautpanz,

That gleeful look on your face you make when you're rubbing Jesus' belly makes me smile every time I think about it.

Keep up the good work, and please bring back The Magic Clown Horse.



Yes, Mr. Kreider himself laughs often with the rubbing the Buddha-belly. This develops painful. "I wish MEAT PIE!" he cries on several occasions. But no quantity of meat pie will deaden it.

The magical horse of clown comes when it will.




14 November 2006

You are wounderful

a gebnius

you make me fall off my chair (which concluded with an exyclopedia falling on my head)


and if i wasnt taken and gay id ask to marry you.

My friend thinks your wounderful too.

 this is not hate mail

Lots of love KSB, Bobo, WB, ro,roly, roro, Rosa,ro-bin, Mr. Pumpernink, daddy bear, Batmim's sexy assistant, Rodger (hola Enriquos, Michael, Ritzy and Juefos!), Dorothy (Thelma, Margot and Dorothy: "We Love shopping the old fashioned way!!!!) lord of the lawn, Le Seignour de la Pelouse, Rhozzall, Snazzlebazzle,  jugglechests, roseballcrusherhall, pumpkin(nooooo!!), BAGAWAGA!!!!! that rather saucy window cleaner called Whoozie and Slagbag (loves to the proud penguin) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and to the select few a stab with a bendy knife or maybe an overdue apology definitly well worth the wait and maybe some marmite......mmmmm...yum

Dear [etc.],

It is true that Mr. Kreider is a genius, though his wonderfulness is mainly confined to paper. Alas, the love of the lesbians is useless for him. But he thanks you for your pleasant words.




14 November 2006

Hey, Tim. Always great to see you. I've written to you before, which you may or may not remember.

I always love your panels, but I always seem to love your artist's statements more.   I feel exactly like you do, in your current statement after the election. It's all just so anti-climatic. I have friends that are happy with the results, but I still want to see bush, et al, fry.

Are you ever in Baltimore anymore? I've lost track, and have never been good at reading between the lines.

I'm in Canton every other Tuesday. I'd still love to meet you one of these days, as a giddy, devoted fan.

See you later.


Jeff Socorso,

Mr. Kreider thanks you for your pleasant words. He, also, wishes to watch making fry of the president and his cohort. Mr. Kreider resides now at his offices of winter in New York City. He will return to the Land of the Pleasant Life in spring, when he will accept your beer briskly.




15 November 2006

Sorry I did not include links in my last email. Go in this order. It loads pretty quick newest painting loads first. You should here from me about my take on western art. I think my work is like nothing else in western art.

Cowboys Page:

Native American's



Recently I have been told that people at the college say I am arrogant. That to me is one of the saddest things I have ever heard about me. It makes me want to weep really. I am not arrogant. I wish I was it would make my like so much easier. I wouldn't have to be so hard on myself. I guess I do not show this side of me. I do not believe in being down on your self. Maybe it is because when I was younger I remember this dude and he was like that. It was the Sparks brothers from Middletown, Connecticut. I played football with one of them, my sophomore year. I was about 18 and I said to myself I will never be like That. I remember one guy I new from Haddam Killingworth, he was quit and real good natured. He used to hang with Jeff James from Madison, Connecticut. He killed himself. I think that made a big impression on me too, around the same age of 18. I do not hang out at the college and do not attend any of the events, one reason is I live so far away. So I am not around enough to defend myself. I think that most other students say this kind of thing about me are jealous. I can tell you stories that point directly to this. Some students are just frustrated by the fact that as far as my art and animations I seem to out perform them. I have been doing this since I was in grade school. I am sure I mention it on my words page. I am down on myself allot I just do not show it. I think people say I am arrogant, but I am trying to act in such a manner to show other people if you promote your self like this you can be successful. I am trying to be a good example. I am some one who has beat them self up over many years. I remember my job with Tracker Designs. I would come into work ready to pass out I was so tired from doing art work. I physically become so tire from doing art work. For me to be down on any one of my paintings for instance might hurt me physically. I don't think it would be good for me to be down on myself. You know what makes me saddest of all about people that call me arrogant is that I could very easily be the complete opposite of argent is a half of a second. I have always thought my enthusiasm shining through me would help and rub of on other people. No one feels more repression than me. Just ask the ACLU. I have written a books worth of letters to them against repression. World War 1 and 2 is a example how repression can ruin art forever. Europe could have been as great as Hollywood. The War killed film altogether and forever. If you think I am arrogant, number one I feel very sad for you. Number 2 I can tell you from the bottom of my heart in all honesty this is not true. I refuse to be down on myself like I said. I especially refuse to act like that around others for fear of the damage it may do.

 If I was to say what king of Cowboy I want to be it would be a cool cowboy. Allot of cowboys where cool. Billy the Kid was cool. Daniel Boone was cool. Jim Bowie was cool. I like when Steve Miller sang Space Cowboy, he is from Dallas, Texas. ZZ Top are cool cowboys. Charlie Daniels, Marshall Tucker and on and on southern rock from the 1970's is why I live here.


Mr. Kreider requests to know: who are you?




15 November 2006

Hey, Does Tim sell any of his original pieces...??

I should know this...maybe it says on his site...I'm just never seen references to this.



 Jeff Socorso,

It is generally necessary to sleep with Mr. Kreider in order to obtain his drawings. Sadly this is impossible for you, at least until the day long envisaged when he turns the back on the humiliations of the heterosexuality and embraces the gay life-style.



what an odd thing to say..!!


I'll see if I can line up some women.



18 November 2006

I am just taking a time out to say that I have been following your web toon for one or two years. I am lazy, drunk, and am in pain fiscally, which is why I have not contributed a penny to your good work, just like most of your fanbase. I just wanted to say that you are doing well and you definitely still have talent after your sabbatical. Keep it up. If you don't respond to me, I'll just assume you are in a drunken stupor. Hey, it must be nice to have fans, right? This drink is for you. Thanks for the laughter.

Also, this is the second letter i have written to a person that I did not know about their art in my entire life. Feel special.



Mr. Kreider read your message not in a stupor but with a head of crushing. (When questioned he claims he was assembled around in the back of a "stretch Hummer" [?] with people whom he did not know, and later ate many cakes.) The praise of the drunk and lazy and without resources means much with him, however not as much as that of drunk and the lazy rich person. He feels sorry for your tax pain.

He wonders which other person that you wrote to was, and hopes it was not such as Urkel. (?)


Ok, that message is so ridiculous I have to praise it. I hope whoever wrote that is fucked up and doing wel. The only other "celeb" i have emailed was Graham Joyce. He is a pretty good novelist. Actually I have only read one thing by him so i have no idea if he is good. this is going nowhere. Why doesnt the cartoonist answer his email? Is he that popular?


22 November 20006

In your latest Artist's Statement, you say "Nobody knows exactly what happened to them; some scientists speculate that they may have interbred with human beings, and looking around the supermarket in Cecil County I can see evidence of this."  There's actually a good deal of evidence that Neanderthal man had intelligence (sophisticated tools) and social structure (ceremonial burial, care for his sick and old).  He may even have had more of both than Cro-Magnon (or Cecil County) man.-Joe

Joe Thompson,

Always Mr. Kreider makes good reception with your gathering of "the slow ones."

He is well informed of the many achievements of the Neanderthal, such as the burial. He explains that this remark was what known in his businesses as "a cheap shot," and requires cordially that you "give him rest." Moreover he raises the question rhetorical: "If the men of Neanderthal were so smart, why did they die?" I leave you this to consider.



30 November 2006

Dear Tim,

Greetings from Edinburgh. These days it's a bit dark, a mood compounded by my looming, horrifying thesis deadline.

I am writing to tell you how much I enjoy your artist's statements. I am probably not the first person to tell you that you should have a regular column somewhere. I'm not sure if that is something you desire, but surely your socio-political commentary is more compelling than, say, Maureen Dowd's. Anyway, as they say in Cecil County, "I'm just sayin'".

By the way, the RSS feed that Dave set up on your site is still working well. I use it often to check for new installments.

Back to the grindstone,



Always good to hear from you, fellow former Green Partier. Calling me more compelling than Maureen Dowd is kind of like calling me a better artist than Cathy Guisewhite, but I will take compliments where I can get them. I would love to have a column somewhere, and following my freak success getting an op-ed on Pluto into the New York Times last summer I've been submitting political essays to the Times, the Baltimore Sun, and elsewhere, but so far the message seems to be: Stick to Pluto, Pluto Boy.