October 2006

5 October 20, 2006

Hail, Citizen Kreider!

I wanted to take a few moments out of my busy-bee Thursday to convey to you my sincere thanks and (at the risk of being verbose) gushing affection for the Pain.

I've been an avid reader for years now, yet regrettably this is my first attempt at correspondence. It occurred to me during your summer hiatus (and upon reading your rather gloomy summer writings) that the precarious (perhaps desperate) political and social climate in which we find ourselves these days has a palpable effect on all of us; both emotionally and physically speaking.

"We", of course, being all the commiserating, true, red-blooded, peace-loving, faith-based-politics-hating, fat-cat-despising, pork-spending-detesting, free-thinking AMURK'NS that comprise our loose-knit family of misanthropic reprobates.

Anyway, I'm so glad that you have returned in good health and good cheer. I have no idea whatsoever as to the volume of mail you receive from readers, but whatever that amount, I feel that WE as readers have an obligation to tell YOU, the author, when you've touched us, wowed us, depressed us, cheered us up, and challenged us. That dipole is what feeds the relationship between author an reader and defines that magical relationship. I know that were I to produce something singular, sincere and poignant for the comfort of my brothers and sisters, the feedback and sense of community would make the whole tedious, thankless process (albeit cathartic, no doubt) totally worth it. 

Alas, forgive me - brevity is not my strong suit when it comes to the written word. Let me get to the point.

You are extremely funny. You have a sophisticated grasp of humor that is at once insightful, witty, sardonic, gritty, and above all, honest.  Your artistic ability is unequaled - you have the incredible ability to encapsulate complex concepts and emotions into a caricature, or more incredibly still, into a single feature of said caricatures, be they facial expressions, postures, butter-ball fat rolls, or (too rarely) gigantic, raging hard-ons. All of this is topped off with a delicious cream-cheese frosting that you call the "Artist's Statement" which gives your readers a valuable and candid glimpse into your psyche and the mental process that goes into a given comic. The Statement provides a certain feeling of comradery and familiarity that is too often withheld by artists. Your authentic and relatively serious writing style contrasts nicely with the cartoon, and hammers-home that you sincerely believe in that which you put to paper. What you do is important.

I guess what I want to tell you is that you have touched me, wowed me, depressed me, cheered me up, and challenged me. This is no small task. You are truly unique and talented, and you are very much appreciated.

Please continue the good fight for all us sinners. Above all, I implore you to enjoy what you do.

Take care brother.




Mr. Kreider was deeply touched by your letter. Too much seldom he receives the positive reinforcement for his isolated work, in the form of sycophantic praise or of the coveted blowjobs. No doubt that a healthier man would be embarassed by such a flattery, but Mr. Kreider's work is mainly without thanks or renumeration, and the identification of the readers means much to him although he is little laid out to admit it. I think that it gratifies especially so that he knows that the readers take notice of the unnecessary care which he expends upon his drawing.

As you see, he has returned to his work, but since his hiatus he adopts "the larger position," being unaware of the small scandals of the day such as the imbroglio of Foley the molester and the increasingly atomic antics of the North Koreans, in order to avoid the impotent and ulcerating fury which has oppressed him during the last years. In the name of Mr. Kreider I offer the sincere gratitude for your pleasant gesture and the condolences for your presence in Texas. He invites you to employ your powers of Web design to reverse the intentions nefarious of your Republican Masters.




9 October 2006

Also, excellent pome about sticks and stones.  Gotta agree with two points strongly; Catholic females, over the age of 18, and wearing those uniforms are pretty hot, and those Islamic bean pies, whatever they're called, are pretty damn good.  Of course for the central thesis of religion being kinda fucked up all around, hey, in my case, you're preaching to the choir. 

 Excellent turn of phrase re. "The grownups are talking now" when some zealot wants to push Intelligent Design into the conversation.

Remember, I'll underground railroad your ass out of the US into beautiful Canada if and when the feds come for you.  About three miles downstream from my house is the actual crossing point on the Niagara river for the old underground railroad.  Until about five years ago they had an hilarious sign showing the silhouette of a raggedy bare-foot, bindle carrying dude with a prominent afro with water drops coming off him.  Don't worry, I've got a boat, you won't get wet.


Ed Weidemann,

Mr. Kreider accepts your compliments with his characteristic equanimity, although he suspects you of the disingenuousness about the need for the girls in catholic uniforms for being more than 18.

He counts on your assistance on the day, which always approaches, when he inevitably becomes the negro in escape and must give up the encroachment of Fascism in the USA for frigidity and the length of Canada.




9 October 20, 2006

Mr. Kreider; (courtesy of Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz)

I just wanted to write and tell you of my profound appreciation of your comic.  I grew up in rural Texas, the only atheist among an entire family of fundamentalists, and your comic, as well as the works of Hunter S. Thompson, the stand-up comedy of Bill Hicks, as well as many other artists, have been all that have kept me sane over the last few years.  Thankfully, I have escaped to Denton, which though still in Texas, is a bastion of liberalism and free-thought in the South.  I own both of your books, and would instantly purchase any other books, posters, shirts, etc. that you produced.  If you ever find yourself in the area for some horrible reason, I would be glad to buy you a drink.

Tyler Henderson

Tyler Henderson,

Mr. Kreider is also an admirer of the artists Thompson and Hicks. He is happy of knowing that his work offered the consolation for you in your education barbaric, although he is more likely to accept to your proferred drink outside of Texas.




10 October 20, 2006

Mrs. C-Hautpanz,

I read with tremors the Letter pages to see ones from me.  As worse, the true notes from others are impressive.  My efforts seek my English, poorly. 

I ask why do my letters include?  For the humorous laugh, or I am an example for the difficult way [futiliteit?] of making an understanding to others of my thinking. 

It is more bad just now because I already drank five Belgians ales.

Mahault K.

Mahault K.,

I print all letters to Mr. Kreider which are likely to interest the readers, except the personal messages of the groupie. The intention of Mr. Kreider's is never to scoff the reader. Even to the ardent supporters of the futile war and the lunatics of Christ he tries to be pleasant. Certainly your English does not suffer the comparison to theirs.

About the Belgian Ales, we cannot do anything for you. It is appropriate that five is too great a number.




10 October 2006

Dearest XIV Contessa Czochula,

  On the off chance that he were not aware, it would be good of you to inform Mr. Kreider that the state of Maryland gives free dial-up internet to any of its citizens who have access to a library card. I have tried it out myself and confirmed that it is a high quality, real connection to the internet which can be used from any ibm, mac, or exotic unix machine Mr. Kreider may happen to own.  All of the information is at


  I only recently noticed a letter in which Mr. Kreider points out his use of dial-up access and thought it would be a tragedy if he were paying $10/month for Earthlink or something.

Sincerely yours,

John B.

John B.,

Mr. Kreider is a "burning fan" for the library of Enoch Pratt and is very happy to have this information. He is also in the great need for another supplier of service while he uses currently the scorned AOL, which forces him to know of the lives of Jennifer and Vincent.

It is not my correct title and its use only embarasses me anyhow. I require you not to refer to me thus, particularly here in the militant egalitarian U.S.




10 October 20, 2006

Heya Tim,

I'm a big fan of your work, from London (England). This is just a quick email to suggest that if you get tired of the extremist Christians messing with the state in your country, you can always move to Europe. We don't merge state and religion, and there is enough news coverage of America for you to take the piss out of your politicians anyday.


Mim x

Mim X,

Mr. Kreider accepts your invitation. He asks you to find an apartment for him in London.




10 October 2006


Ms. Hautpanz, please tell Tim I am madly infatuated with him, and that if he ever visits fabulous east-central Illinois, I will most gladly take him out for a few PBR's.

Thank you,

Alice Quisno

P.S.  If it is any incentive, I am a cute scientist in training with "junk in

the trunk".

Alice Quisno,

Mr. Kreider is always happy to speak about the infatuations of the female readers. He is a "sucker" for the appearance of the lady scientist, and intrigued by your description of "refuse in the trunk." Moreover he considers Pabst to be the best among your degraded and aqueous American beers. He has little other enticement to visit Illinois, however. I would advise perhaps you should send an encouraging photograph to him.



11 October 2006

I liked your presentation at the Mo's show Monday.  I also said favorable things about you on my site: www.HeatherFink.com

Ok, have a nice day :)

Heather Fink,

I took freedom to transmit your message to Mr. Kreider as I see that you are an attracting female and suspect that he will want to answer himself. He is a libertine incorrigible although charming and primarily kindhearted. It is to be expected he will contact you shortly.




12 October

[Subject heading:"Why stop at your van?"]

...or your gamer's PC, or your C-leg?:


Warning: no joke: the children's section may make you physically ill.

Coffins should be dark, solemn, plain, and (if you're Jewish) relatively flimsy.

Michael Turyn,

The horrible tastelessness of his compatriots never misses the opportunity to appall Mr. Kreider. He preferred not to look at the section of the children. He remembers with nausea observing from his bed in the hospital in Greece the burial of a child killed in the bombardment of the City of Oklahoma where "I Love You," the song composed by Barney the violet dinosaur, was sung in the sad homage. It is massacring it.




12 October 2006

Your babies: when can I start having them?

Truly brilliant cartoon this week Tim. A call for sanity I wish I could post in every city around the world. Like the Lennon and Yoko "war is over if you want it" thing, but less faggy. (as a member of PFLAG I can use the word Faggy, the queeer's signed it over to me along with the button.)

Anywho, keep up the good work. Those of us who are freezing our asses off in Michigan (the blues state in the midwest)  think you are awesome!

Erin Marquis.

P.S. Keep up the good work!

Erin Marquis:

Mr. Kreider accepts with the equanimity your comparison with the late assassinated Beatle and his hated wife.

He enquires being considered PFLAG? He is not very familiar with this organization. One also granted to him the use of the word "faggy" by a true authentic homosexual.

Mr., Kreider will satisfy you but does not have any interest for childrearing. The children whom he regards as an acute threat, unpleasant to the ear. Perhaps you should send a photograph ahead so that Mr. Kreider can evaluate your genetic potential?




13 October 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

I'm writing because I'd like to put a link to thepaincomics.com on me ol' blog.  I know I could just go ahead and do it and no one would be the wiser, but I always like to ask first.

If you'd like to visit said blog, it's at www.kennypittenger.blogspot.com 

I know and work with many deviant (yet lovable) artists who I think would really enjoy The Pain, When Will it End?  Blah blah blah, etc.  Please let me know, eh?

Respectfully yours,

Kenny Pittenger

Kenny Pittenger,

Mr. Kreider grants the permission to you to create this link. He considers it useless to ask the permission, but feels that it shows the rare courtesy that you ask it. He suspects you to be Canadian. When the etiquettte is dubious, as in the world of the Internet, better wandering on the side of the consideration. Mr. Kreider for all his abusive ranting and hideous of drawings, swoons for the good ways.




13 October 2006

You've probably already had other people point this out, but just in case...

In reference to the October 4th artist's statement where it is mentioned, "noted atheists Mao, Stalin, and Hitler," I should point out that Hitler was *not* an atheist.  It is not particularly clear what exactly he did believe, but it certainly appears as though he believed in some sort of god similar to the Christian one.  He apparently also believed in Jesus.  For some background see the Wikipedia entry here:



User 43


Always the polemic surrounds Hitler. Constantly upon Mr. Kreider is forced information which screws up his opinion of Hitler: initially he is not also the bad one like Stalin and Mao, now he is a Christian. It is so complicated to hate Hitler.

Currently Mr. Kreider admires the fascistic hair of the years '30 and researches a Hitler haircut, but without the moustache or mass extermination of the people.




17 October 2006

I love The Pain.....I was searching for a support the troops pic or image I could post on myspace when your site ended up in the search. I love the cartoons and especially the enemies list. The dime lady is hilarious. I know not all of it is jokes but I hope to contribute somehow to your evergrowing effort. And if at all possible is there a mailing list I can get on. Thank-You



Mr. Kreider has appreciated your comments on his work and thanks you of your encouragement. Bitterly he always points out the lady of dimes. He wishes her a lack of dimes.

Webmaster Dave established a "food of RSS" but neither Mr. Kreider nor myself knows anything of this. New books and apppearances of Mr. Kreider's are announced in the "artist's statements" each week.




19 October 2006


I have been enjoying Tim Kreider's work for awhile now, and hope to enjoy it for a long time to come (so yes, there is a fan in France !). But one question strikes me following me this week's cartoon: Please, why Superman ??

Thank you and best wishes

Adam Tolkien

Adam Tolkien,

Superman was the creation of Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster, the two Jews. Several of the finest of American cartoonists were Jewish, including the universally loved Jack Kirby.

Mr. Kreider is satisfied to have the international fans and sends greetings to you in France. He makes excuses for the recent imbecility of his country.




19 October 2006

You'll get the typical faire of comments about it, ranging from it's hilarious to it's anti-semitic, and the intellectually-anal ones, of which mine will be.

Although Judaism will claim to be the first monotheistic faith as you mentioned, they may well not have been. Although they claim to have originated around 2000 BC (Legitimacy to be gained by saying 'we're were the first', if they did not originate then), they 'may' have been predated by two others. One was some crazy egyptian god named Aten, and the other was the Persian religion of Zoroastrianism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoroastrianism). I say the word may because I haven't been able to locate off of my memory or online the dates of either of those three's arrival. They also seem to have ripped the zoroastrians off in the concept of the devil.

The irony is that every faith seems to consider themselves distinct from their others. Either you're the final version (Islam), the original (Judaism) or the completion (I guess messianic Jesus). Zoroastrianism was not abrahamic, but even it seems to have origins in Vedic Gods, which originate from worshipping all sorts of silly, pagan stuff.

I have no idea why I wanted to be intellectually anal and mention this, but that being said, it was a quite funny comic.


Cody Beaton,

Mr. Kreider is well informed of the mysterious hermaphroditic one Akhenaten, a.k.a. Amenhotep IV, whose reign took place in the fourteenth century B.C.E. and who adored the god of the sun Aten. However he regards this brief flirt with the monotheism as an "explosion in the pot." He knows of Zoroastrians, who bloomed around the fifth century B.C.E., from his reading of comparative religion and Nietzsche. However those did not exert the same resident influence on Western civilization. (Recently the Times of New York published a sad article on the weakening of Zoroastrianism.) It is the Judeo-Christian tradition which has dominated our culture and of whose shit of the bull Mr. Kreider has had enough. Moreover (if I interpret correctly) I think that the intention of Mr. Kreider's was to scoff to consider the monotheism as an advance above polytheism, as if it were a higher invention like the telegraph replacing the Expeditious Pony.




It was of poor action on my behalf to assume he would not have known of the two, and certainly your explanation helps me understand why Judaism and Christianity were focused on. The only remark I would have 'against' your explanation is that in the casual poking around I've done, Zoroastrianism (Mispelled here, I believe) is considered to have had some prominent influence on Judaism and Christianity. Of course, being as it influenced the 'influencer', it would have less impact on Western Civilization as Judeo-Christian tradition has done. Thank you for your explanation and time.

Well regards, Cody

Cody Beaton,

More research shows you that were correct. Zoroastrians complain their religion goes back to 6000 years, although the erudite obviousness can only prove that date of 600 B.CE.. which I quoted previously. Zoroaster, or Zarathustra, lived between 1000 and 1500 B.C.E. In any case it is too late to scoff at the Zoroastrians and Mr. Kreider feels sorry for them.




23 October 2006

You meant Chartres, right??

I hope for you you will publish a public apology for this, people from Chartres are kind of touchy... The kind that will hunt you and track you down to the end of the world for misspelling their city's name, and they'll have you drink their "chartreuse", a disgusting plant alcohol that smells like Apache medication...

That's some Kind of french Fatwa, if you will...


PS: Don't tell no one I wrote that Chartreuse is "disgusting"... I'm risking a lot there, you see

Vincent David,

The humiliation of Mr. Kreider is complete. I would have have detected this error but did not. I, also, am to blame. However, after having gone to the University of Paris, I know better than to fear the reprisals of the French. They are weak people, idiots vindictive but impotent. They will "bitch" in the coffee houses, nothing more. Nevertheless, in the interest of exactitude I will correct the spelling mistake.




26 October 2006

Ms. Hautpanz,

First, let me say 'hello', I hope you are doing well here in The ol' U.S.A.. Also, may I ask that you pass a 'hello' on to your father the Count as well. I am sure he will appreciate hearing a friendly salutation from the man who made him who he is today.

I noticed an error in Tim's cartoon for the week of 10/04/2006 titled "Contributions of the World's Religions" Christianity. Depicted in panel one "Wholesome TV Programming" is Hee Haw. While Hee Haw may be a wholesome T. V. show it should not without a doubt be attributed to Christians. Hee Haw was simply written by some funny folks from Nashville. Christians wouldn't put scantily clad women hanging their cloths out on a line while having insulting conversations about their men. Would Christians concerned with wholesome broadcasting truly approve of Grandpa Jones' crock of shine or listening to the likes of outlaw country singers like Merle Haggard, Hank Jr. or Waylon Jennings? I don't think so.

My advice for Tim in the future, in matters similar these, first consult with a knowledgeable source to avoid making such obvious mistakes.

sincerely yours,

James the Large (currently ruling the lands between Main St. and Elkton Rd.)

James the Large,

Mr. Kreider sends to greetings you and to your wife and animals. My father it is good although, not too different from Mr. Kreider, a terrible man. I appreciate the United States mainly as a source of material artistic. Moreover I find to my horror that the fried chicken of colonel Sanders is curiously delicious, similar in the taste to the crunching spiced Indian bread.
Mr. Kreider says that the panel that you refer was the inspiration of one Boyd, who is known with you. He considered to employ Davy and Goliath (an animated sinning clay boy and his sanctimonious Christian dog?), but at the end he decided that "Hee-Haw," although not completely precise, it was funnier. And at the end this is what guides all his decisions, for better or worse.




28 October 2006

Dear Tim Kreider and Ms. Hautpanz. Inspired by the issues of "The Pain--When Will It End?" I am compelled to write to you. The comic is disturbingly accurate. Disturbingly why? Because many atrocities committed in the todayŐs world are committed by people who we would not believe the culprit of theses crimes against humanity. Now, after a long sentence of gibberish I wish to say thank you for making me laugh.

I live in Finland. A nice little place to live in, except our government which seems to attempt following in the footsteps of your dear dictator and his closest advisors. As I am a smoker, drinker (and user of drugs not mentioned herein) I am troubled by the fact that FinlandŐs restaurants will be smoke free after New YearŐs Eve. Also a law is in the making that would make smoking in public places, such as the roads, illegal.

We recently celebrated the 100th year of parliament in our country. Some of the festivities included: buying electric projectile weapons for the police, arresting 136 people during the "riots" of ASEM - meeting, taking the whole parliament to Russia toa watch a Finnish opera piece, publishing a book about parliament which was available only to the parliament, taking the members of parliament back to Finland to eat and drink (lobster, veal and of course game! yay!) hosting an evening get together for the members of the parliament for food and drinks, drinking and eating all of which cost only (not inlcuding the arrests and tasers) nearly 6 million euros. It is nice to know, we have a

healthy ( by healthy I mean big parliament: almost two hundred members plus their assistants and staff) parliament, democratic system and a huge shortage of teachers and nurses.

Well, as my former girlfriend told me - I am a negative by nature. I replied simply by stating that it would be amusing if all the violence and homicidal tendencies, which we do have quite a lot here in Finland compared to it's small size, would be targeted towards our ruling class. Now that would be quite the spectacle. Just dreaming though and for the Finnish secret police called SUPO: Just kidding, please don't barge in to my flat three in the morning, mace me, cuff me and make me sit twelve hours in a row without the chance to go to a bathroom before you even read me my rights.

About the ASEM-meeting riot aftermath, the police department issued a statement that though the police department was subject to loads of criticism no complaints were sued against no single police officer - thus a job well done. I agree, it's funny how a sixteen-year-old protester getting mauled by the police cannot tell the difference between two riot-gear-wearing police officers. Especially when they are masked, armored, very angry and do not sport any id but only the number of their platoon.

It has been a heartwrenching time writing this. Mostly 'cause my stomach is not co-operating with anything that I have eaten and mostly because I am intoxicated.

Thank you and happy fall.


Janne Vţlikangas


It's hard to sympathize with a country whose biggest problems are a smoking ban, corrupt legislature, and brutal police. Things are tough all over. We've got all that here, plus our president just suspended habeas corpus. But I don't want to make light of your woes. Liberals living in America mistakenly imagine that Western Europe is some sort of utopia with no real problems. But it's easy to forget that in all nations, in all times, the government has pushed its citizens around with picayune rules and squandered their money on lavish self-indulgence, and the police have beaten up and imprisoned dissidents and are never held accountable.

Well, hopefully the Bush administration is looking less and less like a model to be emulated around the world, if only because of the practical results of their policies, which are, suffice it to say, not all that they had hoped. In the meantime, do not succumb utterly to drink and despair, as have so many of your countrymen. There are always the consolations of art and laughter and sex, not necessarily in that order. And the joyless satisfaction of seeing the sloppily laid plans of the neoconservatives turning everywhere to shit.

A word to the wise: watch that "negative by nature" crap--the ladies tire of it eventually and they will dump your ass. Feign cheerfulness now and again if you wish to remain on the Ass Trolley.

Smoke 'Em While You Got 'Em,