3 September 2006

Hi Tim-

My husband's name is Tim Kreider. He proudly shared his New York Times article with his parents last week.

I found out about you because I am running for the Ohio State Senate and I am occasionally asked about the potential impact of my husbands political cartoons on my race.

Well, at least he doesn't share his name with as many people as I do!

Check out my unorthodox campaign commercial . . .



Yes, I'd learned of your existence while conducting routine Google reconnaissance on my own name for professional reasons. My father, Sidney Kreider, was originally from Ohio--his father was Ward Kreider, of Wadsworth. He and my mom were both Mennonites.

Unfortunately, due to my cruddy dial-up connection, it would take me about sixteen hours to download your commercial. I'm glad to hear it's unorthodox, and relieved to learn that you're a Democrat. I wish you well in your campaign and I sincerely hope my Democratically-inclined but heterodox cartoons don't do any damage to your chances in the election. (It's looking like a good year for Democrats.) Let me know if you think I should include a disclaimer on my website. Come to think of it, maybe we both should. It might not do my career any good, either, if I were to be associated or confused with anybody respectable.

Tim Kreider

P.S. Congratulations to your husband on his fine editorial.


5 September 2006

It's written from Charon's point of view, and reminds me of 'The Sorrows of Pluto'.


Plus the artist has done a wonderful folky version of 'Baby Got Back.' What's not to love?


Stacy in Austin


Mr. Kreider appreciates your words of commiseration. Know that he joins you in rending over the loss of our proscribed sister world, Pluto. However, it seems possible that the combat is not yet finished; some astronomers have rebelled to have this new definition foisted on them. Perhaps Pluto is still not "out of play."

One of the correspondents of Mr. Kreider's informs him that that on the national mall in Washington there is a scale model of the solar system, and at the stone obelisk representing Pluto a miniature tomb was created, with flowers and cards of sorrow, including one saying "We will miss you!" signed by all the of other planets. He is touched by this and of the hope that you will appreciate it.




6 September 2006

Hi Ms. Czochula-Hautpänz (and Mr. Kreider),

I'm not a groupie. In fact, I'm not even a woman. Or a man trying to be a woman. I am simply an astronomy grad student from New Jersey now living in Seattle for the past 4 years.

A few years ago, The Stranger (I think) ran a comic by Tim titled "An East Coast Snob in Seattle". Well, it fuckin killed me...especially the one about the check and the cashier. Anyway, my dumbass officemate tore down my copy of it when he was moving his skis (very seattle) and now its ruined.

Is there anyway I could get a copy of it? A file would be great, but whatever is the easiest for you.

Thanks, John

John Bochanski,

It is pleasure of Mr. Kreider' s of dispatching the drawing, which can be printed to hang to the house or compartment of working.

Mr. Kreider covets you your vocation; if only he had mastered the charts of multiplication he himself could have been an astonomer instead of a realizer of humorous drawings. He appreciates your position on Pluto and wishes you well in your studies. However, not to meddle with the dark matter, he advises. He is sure that it is a force Lovecraftian of evil.




6 September 2006

Mm. Hautpanz and Mr. Kreider,

I catch up on your website after the holiday from summer. I do not know through Joe Lieberman, but am with Pluton, trusted. I think that that the planet to lose is domb. Personally my Uranus choose for favor, for all the mocking that it sees.

Most Pleasantly,

Mahault K.


12 September 2006

Ms. Hautpanz,

I write with the hope that some of what I say will reach the ear of Mr. Krieder, about whom I have become increasingly concerned over the past few months.

A note of despondency seems to have crept into Mr. Krieder's visual work of late, coupled with a dramatic improvement in his writing (as evidenced in his artist's statements.) Taken together, in my experience, this tends to reflect a certain malaise taking hold in a person's life.

Frankly, I don't expect the words of a complete stranger will provide any sort of consolation. Nonetheless, if you could let Mr Kreider know that his strip is a crucial part of the media mix I allow to inform me of what's going on in the world (I can barely stomach politicians here in Australia, and need my global political news tempered with humour and cynicism.) I also find it funny as fuck, and think his style is very cool, as do the several people I have shown it to.

If you would indulge me, I'd like to make a couple of suggestions. Should any of these strike a chord with you Ms. Hautpanz, I hope you will relay them faithfully to Mr. Krieder.

I think Mr Krieder should develop his obvious flair for the written word. Perhaps he should unfetter it and allow it to run free without having to support the subtle balance of humour and bitterness that characterizes his cartoons; some sort of blog might be the go.

Regarding his cartoons, the ones Mr. Krieder seems to most enjoy himself, and therefore the ones that are most enjoyable, are those in which one of his mates have had a hand. More of this type of collaboration will not only reduce the burden Mr. Krieder feels about needing to be creative on a deadline, it infers more time spent with mates, which is in itself a good thing.

Thirdly Ms. Hautpanz, and I do appreciate you coming this far, I suggest Mr. Krieder embark on the challenge of a graphic novel. This would allow him to explore his art more fully and distract him in the medium to long term, away from subject matter he appears to find infuriating. Something from H. P Lovecraft's body of work would seem apt.

I do hope that one or all of these suggestions may be of use in bringing a positive change in Mr. Krieder's apparent state of mind, and subsequently reduce the strain on you and his feline companion.

Yours Sincerely,

James P. Harvey.

James Harvey,

Much thanks for your flattery and encouragement, and excuses to delay in my answer.

I can say to you that your diagnosis is accurate from afar. You will be gratified to know that Mr. Kreider had already taken your council before even receiving it. During his hiatus he concentrated on his writing, and met unexpected success. See his essay in the failed defense of the former planet of Pluto in the Times of New York. He is intimidated by the effort and the length to draw a graphic novel, but he has just been rented to write a film scenario based on his cartoon, featuring himself and his friends fighting the evil administration of Bush.

Alas, it is appropriate that it would be the best to pass more time with his friends, but it seems they are more and more alienated with him, by no defect of his own.

Although I can say to you that this Mr. Kreider usually stiffens at the counsel not solicited, as yours coincides with his own (and requires of him to do nothing he does not do already in any event) he thanks you for it and accepts it fortunately. He is also of the hope that you will be happy to see that he has returned to weekly cartooning.

However, I doubt any reduction of the duties or constraints upon me, or to decrease the antipathy between me and the curséd cat of Mr. Kreider.




12 September 2006

Ms Hautpanz

Thank you for your reply to my email regarding the removal of planet status from Pluto.

Please accept my apology for the mocking tone. Although this was aimed at the argument rather than Mr Kreider, it was uncalled for and rude.

Now a little discussion. I hope you do not find this too tiresome and I would welcome any comment, however contrary.

I stand by my belief that Pluto should never have been dubbed a planet. However, since forming this opinion many years ago, I have found such arbitrary definitions to have little real meaning; merely convenient labels imposed by humanity. For the most part these labels actually help, but they ultimately feed a false model of the universe comprising discreet objects. In advanced physics, indeed in other sciences, while it is still useful to define, it is essential to remember the definition is an artificial device, not a property of natural phenomena.

When specifically discussing the vast number and variety of objects orbiting the Sun, if we must distinguish these bodies at all, there are criteria of at least as much relevance as diameter. We could consider the presence of atmosphere (reasonably defined as a gaseous retention of greater density than the "loose" particles in interplanetary space), gravity, presence of satellites, behaviour (Bad planet!) Indeed one of Pluto's "failings" is its eccentric orbit.

Labelling such as this falls into the realm of what eminent evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins calls "the curse of the discontinuous mind". By this he means the human need to delineate physical and philosophical boundaries where, in truth, there are none. An example he cites from his own field of expertise is the fact that we feel compelled to clearly define species while the organisms themselves defy such straightforward definition. Dawkins is an independent thinker and an excellent scientist. I thoroughly recommend his books.

Please pass my best wishes to Mr Kreider. Like many thinking people out here, I value his perceptive and incisive observations.

Thank you and, once again, I apologise for my first email.

Kind regards


P.S. At the risk of alienating Mr Kreider further, I must just say... I LOVE Waminals!

Ray Taylor,

Mr. Kreider is familiar with the books of Dawkins. Well he appreciates the tininess and the limitations of "the discontinuous of spirit." It is this, he feels, which explains the bipolar discussion about the abortion and the evolution. He is quite conscious of the fact that the Pluto conflict is arbitrary and trival. His own impassioned investment in it is obviously purely sentimental. Of deeper concern with him is the Dark Matter and its ever-encroachment, which he considers to be a demonstration of paramount evil. This, he believes, is a threat much more pressing than the terrorists. To take guard. Its goal is the consumption of the whole universe. It will stop with nothing.



P.S. The accursed Waminals always. Mr. K. despairs.


13 September 2006

Hi, a friend linked me to a few cartoons about Reagan and I like your work. I have a few songs I think you would like. they are both on myspace.com/jaikwillis one is called Checks & Balances and the other is called "The Gipper" written the day they threw his corpse in the hole. I played it that night in a town out by his IL home.


Jaik Willis,

Alas Mr. Kreider cannot download your songs due to the primitive technological conditions under which he works here. But he congratulates you for blaspheming the name of Ronald Reagan in his birthplace the day on his death. Senescence and putrefaction to all the Republicans, he calls for.




19 September 2006

Screw Tim Kreider... oh, wait, bad choice of words in this case...

The heck with Tim Kreider! I want to be a Hautpanz groupie.

Now, the way I see it, if Ms. Hautpanz screens Mr. Kreider's groupies, then logically Mr. Krieder must be screening Ms. Hautpanz's groupies.

And given that Mr. Krieder has absolutely no discernment in the area of what-makes-men-attractive-to-women (as evidenced by his appearance and line of work), then he is more likely than, well, than any woman would be to allow me to pass the test. ESPECIALLY when certain single-malt inducements are exchanged...

And during this period while Mr. Kreider is cogitating and I am preening and primping myself for Ms. Hautpanz entertainment, I might, on the sly, ask Mr. Kreider when the HECK he's going to get back to producing the wise and wily comic action which brings a feeble glimmer of life to the necrotic darkness of my workday and incidentally a terminus to my endless, endless run-on sentences.

So, Ms. Hautpanz, prepare to be UNDERWHELMED, and please slip my application to Mr. Kreider at your earliest convenience... for only your hotness can make me shine!

-Bob Alberti

Bob Alberti,

Alas Mr. Kreider does not choose men for me, nor would I allow this. (It is certainly true that he is indifferent to appearance and status but nevertheless the ladies seem to find him to compel them inexplicably.) I will make to follow your message to him only for the promise of malt drinks but I promise nothing.

The cartoon was to begin again today. It is our Master of the Web Dave who is abandoned in his functions.




22 September 2006

Dear Ms H

Delighted to see that as I always suspected, T's break was a beginning not an ending. One senses in this week's artist's statement a commitment to be a friend to the righteous and foe of the wicked by being more than a cartoonist (and thus not to care about the bloody New Yorker, Amazon sales, et alia) and thus fulfilling his true greatness. (NB that's 'more than' not 'something else instead of' and I hope it stays that way.)

Whenever I read one of his laments and rages that his work was not breaking through as hoped, I always thought 'but you've a body of work which shows your true colours and true worth-- one that any of your contemporaries (and I don't just mean cartoonists, I mean all those who create for a living) would or ought to be deeply jealous of-- and you didn't create it to ride out some random wave of pop- or sub-culture adulation, you just got on with it. Now turn those energies to other channels and you will do large things, my friend-that-I-don't-actually-know.'

So tell him good luck and godspeed.

Chris Coleridge (Jessica M's brother)

Chris Coleridge,

Mr. Kreider appreciates your words of encouragement. In his heart he knows that these things are true but sometimes the relentless ignominy erodes his resolution.

You will be delighted to know that he has sent essays on torture and the pacifist feeling to the "Times of New York," and begins work on a film scenario based on his cartoon.His goal is indeed to be much more than a cartoonist. If all is well you will be happy to see that he begins again to draw his cartoon each week, although there remains dubious reason for which.




27 September 2006


I spend most of my life living in Fort Erie Canada, just across the river from Buffalo NY. I get a lot of crap from the local canucks about the "Worst President Ever", even though i calmly explain that HEY, I voted for the other guy in both elections, campaigned for the democrats, raised money, ran coffee and pretty much would have been willing to sell my soul to not let that ivy-league dicklicker get elected. Doesn't matter, I say I'm an American, and wham, they start asking me if I was one of the torturers in abu Ghraib. As you brilliantly pointed out in "George W. Bush: International Cock-Block", that's the situation I'm in. It sucks.

So what I would like to do is use your image of the smarmy asshole bush in "Nixon vs. Bush" (Just the Bush part of the image) and put it on a t-shirt that says, in big font, "I'M NOT WITH STUPID". I've got about ten friends here who want them, so the total run would be about fifteen. I'm only charging cost so it's not a money-making adventure, except for the dude at the t-shirt shop. I'd be happy to send a few your was gratis in payment for letting me use the image. It really is a great image, you caught that evil condescending smirk thing he does perfectly. I stay in Canada as much as I can, at least until the occupation is over. Got lots of beer, great food, great movies, and opiate painkillers are available over the counter! I have a wonderful cottage on the beach with a guest cottage to boot, so if your ever in the neighborhood, drop by. Bring friends. Oh I'm also an amateur fireworks maker, so on some nights if the beer and single malt are doing their jobs, occasionally I have a bit of fun. For the record, in my lifetime of messing with fireworks, I have never harmed another person, although I did burn half my hair off once. Man, In that case the punishment wasn't the pain, it was having to smell burnt hair for the next three days.

But I digress. . . can I use your awesome smirky image of Dubya in an attempt to overcome his international cock-block? as well as scorn just for being American? That twat took my birthright to be a proud member of a justly determined "beacon of hope" democracy. And he did it in less than 6 years. This will not stand man.

BTW Don't give up hope, I have been building a monumental fireworks display destined to go off the second that cum-stain leaves office, hopefully in handcuffs. Chances are real good that I'll burn my hair off that night too, but god, it'll probably feel cleansing.

Whatever your decision, You are a truly talented artist and deeply funny man. Keep up the good work, and monsters are cool too. We all need a break from the insane bullshit they expect us to swallow. Hang in there, You feel the most uncertain just when get control of that amok elephant. Now settle in and ride the shit out of that fucker.

Ed Weidemann,

Mr. Kreider authorized me to grant to you this permission. He asks only that you credit him and include The Pain--When Will It End?Ó on the shirt.

Several nights ago we witnessed fireworks above the water, and, because it was not a holiday American, we asked whether the president had been killed, or the terrorists had gone.

Mr. Kreider will try not to drink the insane shit of the cow, and to go up the elephant.




28 September 2006

Ms. Hautpanz:

Tell him please that Andorra is nothing wanted, to visit. I tried once, but the bicycle on the streets is not possible. I brought at my stay a souvenir comb that said Port Bu that hopefully is a more hosting place.

I hope now that on the caricatures I am caught up. The timing is complicated must be made so? I understand now that he again draws. I hope that this good news for him is as the readers, as I.

Excuse please my bad English as always.

Mahault K.

Mahault Knoedel,

Apologies and good excuses to delay in my answers to your several messages. It was a time agitated for us at the registered offices of Pain. There was the frenzy of media concerning Pluto, businesses with film producers, and we make preparations for our annual departure to the HQ of winter in Manhattan.

Mr. Kreider is ambivalent about his weekly return to cartooning, as he is about the majority of things. But we are happy for you.

Mr. Kreider knows much about Andorra due to the research which he conducted for a report on this country in the sixth American grade. (He received an "A.") However he does not know the Catalan, nor did he know this was their language, although he maintains he must have remembered subconsciously.