5 September 2005

Dear Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz,

I was overwhelmed with Mitleid upon reading (first week of September, 2005) about Mr. Kreider's painful inability to conceive of new material for his weekly comic. My pleasure in the perusal of his past product's archives galvanizes me to ask: Is this confessed impuissance on his part a veiled plea for suggestions from us, his devoted readership? If so, permit me to join my services with yours in mutual amanuensis.

I would be honored to submit ideas for future Pains.

Or is he just trolling for cardiologists? Fury is pretty

studly there...



Tom S.:

Mr. Kreider has asked for ideas for illustrations from his readers in the past, but this was revealed not to be useful. He has ideas for the next two weeks, so you can be abstained from offering suggestions for now. He thanks you, however, for your support.

Your message was useful to increase my dictionary English.

8 September 2005

Ms. Hautpanz-

I am a homebrewer that has recently tried my hand at a white ale. There was a portion of a Pain drawing featuring a black man in a limo muttering "scream, honky, scream." I would like to use for the label but for this problem - I remember that this wasn't used in the comic that ran in the city paper, but something else was in its place.

Do you have any idea what I am talking about? Could you direct me in the right direction for me? How hot are your pants?



Brew Not Bombs - Baltimore

(*) - I am also using the "Learn German While Drunk" for my Oktoberfest brew. Something tells me I would need to reserve a few of them for Tim.


Attached is the drawing for which you asked. Mr. Kreider originally drew it in this way but the City Paper fears the wrath of the black man, therefore in his place he mocked the Jew, which was approved of by all. I believe that royalties in the form of beer would be gladly accepted.

I realize that my name is considered full with English humor. I have understood many, many variations on this witticism. I sorrow to say that it does not amuse me.



8 September 20005


Whether or not this reaches you I suppose is irrelevant, expressing myself is the name of the game, where what I want is concerned, so it's fulfilled the second I started. Well, you've rekindled my faith in this crazy world. Made me realise that yes, there are other people thinking "When will it end?" (I can't think of any other way to say that). That there are others in this madhouse looking for the keys while everyone else is too busy praising the guards like their parents did.

Thanks for making me feel not quite so bad about the world at large, that liars and thieves do get shown for what they are, that America isn't just a scary blind nation across the Pacific (I'm in Australia).

Thanks, essentially, for making me hope for a new outcome in three years.

See you if I see you.


Neal P.

(P.S; Consider sending a work sample to The Age (www.theage.com.au) -- I'd love to see The Pain make a local newspaper)

Neal P.:

Mr. Kreider regrets reconstituting your faith in humanity. This was never his intention. He would like me to recall to you that people are religious bigots and imbeciles, easily operated by lies, and contempt is the only attitude appropriate towards them.

However, it is gratifying to have changed your attitude about his country of origin, the United States. He still would inform you that the greater part of his compatriots are morons, jingoistic and obese, but he does not want that the world forget that there are also Americans like his friends, reasonable and decent, who do not want any part of the empire of Bush the idiot.

I will say to you on a personal note that your pleasant words meant more to Mr. Kreider that he will say. He is currently in an inconsolable state following the failure of his second book, and the mail of his readers is the only positive reinforcement which he obtains as regards what is still considered, in America, an idiotic and marginal trade.


16 September 2005

[Subject Heading: "I'm sure someone's already alerted you..."]

...but the Onion's biting your work. Witness this week's above-the-fold headline:


You beat them to the punch by three months. Tell that old biddy in Alaska to take this as an example of how great minds think alike, so she can take her fuckin' W______s and cram 'em up her snout.


Seb R.

Sebastian R.:

Yes, Mr. Kreider realizes the coincidence. Sometimes he is in front of The Onion, sometimes they are in front of him, but one way or the other everyone sees only The Onion and thinks that they were the original. The bastard ones, he calls them, the bastard ones, the bastard ones. Bitter is the man who suffers in his heart. He will be happy of knowing that you identify at least his primacy in this matter.

As for the lady of W______s, he fears this one and has resolved never to contact her.



17 September 2005

[Subject Heading: "Show Yer Tits"]

Are you sure that you and the Onion weren't subconsciously influenced by this


Quote: "A group of female hurricane survivors were told to show their breasts if they wanted to be rescued, a British holidaymaker has revealed. Ged Scott watched as American rescuers turned their boat around and sped off when the women refused.

"At one point, there were a load of girls on the roof of the hotel saying 'Can you help us?' and the policemen said 'Show us what you've got' and made signs for them to lift their T-shirts," he told the Liverpool Evening Echo.

"When the girls refused, they said 'Fine' and motored off down the road in their boat."

18 September 2005

I've followed your comics online for some time now, ever since someone sent me the link to mthe one about "creation - Asatru vs. Science" (or something along those lines). I laughed so hard when I saw that one. I'm a pagan of the "asatru" faith myself, I live in Sweden and that comic went around a lot among co-religionists here. Everyone loved it.

So I've taken to try to remember to look in on your page once a week to catch the new ones you do, and it's always rewarding. Especially this time. Europe is very far from the US, sometimes, and never as much as when there are big things afoot over there. For example this thing about who's responsible for not acting after the hurricane. It's hard to know what to think about such a thing when you're half way across the world and less then well acquainted with the American political system.

This comes out as a rather incoherent text, I'm afraid, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is nothing more than "you do a great job" and "I like your work".


Markus S.

Markus S.:

Thanks for your kind words about my work. It's always gratifying to know that my work is reminding our friends abroad that not all Americans are obese, ignorant, bellicose yahoos. Please remember that half of us (maybe more than half, depending on what you believe about the election) voted for the other guy, and a sizeable percentage of us are horrified daily by the Bush administration's actions.

A good rule of thumb whenever you are uncertain as to who is to blame for something in America: George Bush.

Praise Odin,

Tim Kreider

20 September 2005


just another loser fan of yours. I want to keep this short, I know you're busy. I was just wondering if you've seen this?


love your work,



Thanks for your thoughts for Mr. Kreider, but unfortunately I cannot transmit your recommendation of the book to him. He is consumed with contempt for humanity and flies into the furies over such things, therefore I must protect him from all such information.

I will transmit your pleasant words about his work as he is always cheered to have news of admirers.