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Note from Tim: I apologize for the graphic imagery in Jim's cartoon, but I assume by now it goes without saying that pretty much everything associated with me and this site is N one bit SFW. I categorically deny everything Jim implies about me here. It is all silly lies. I will reiterate, for the sake of Dame Mirren's honor, my unequivocal denial of any rumors concerning Helen Mirren and myself. It is true that I am fond of my cat but who is not? She is a very attractive cat.
"Tim Loves" (Tim's Birthday Cartoon, 2011), by Jim
Artist's Statement by Jim
First let me start by saying if I stole your image, I am sorry, I tried to verify that what I took was free to take, but not all of the images were clearly labeled as “free” or “public domain”. You should be flattered that your image is on a site as grand as this one. Also, I seriously suck at drawing and by letting me borrow your image you saved the world a lot of suffering.
So, it took us many hours to get that hairstyle just right on Tim. Neither of us is really very good with hair and the wavy spiky look that Tim is wearing is not easy to do. I took that picture while Tim and I were vacationing in Dublin… Maryland. We were staying with some ex girl friend of Zane Campbell at the time; she was out so we got into her makeup and I made Tim’s face look all ravaged by years of drug and alcohol abuse. Anyway, I’m pretty proud of my handiwork it seems like I might have missed my calling as a makeup artist.
So, you know the idea of these birthday pieces is for me to try and paint a picture for you of what Tim is really like. This one came out great that shit about his cat is fucking true, he loves that little thing.
I probably shouldn’t say this but Tim was pretty broken up when he found out “The Dame” didn't want things to get too serious, he has played it off pretty well. Most people would immediately end a relationship were the person only wanted to see you on Monday nights for drinks in out of the way places and a little sex at your place because “my place is so far from this side of town." I think what she actually meant was,”I don’t even want my door man to see who I am slumming with." Tim actually thought when they first met and started dating that he might get to go to the Oscars or at the very least the Golden Globes. Instead he settles for G and T’s on the cheatin’ side of town. I think they did go out on a Saturday once, but it that was during one of the huge snowstorms we had this winter and the power was out in her building. I don’t know, I think he can do better; you wouldn’t catch me rubbing the feet of someone from the Order of the British Empire no matter how Most Excellent they are.
Tim’s drinkin’ like my own has slowed plenty in the past few years, but he has more than made up for it with drug abuse. Just recently we were thrown out of a party (that we were not invited to to begin with) for bogarting the bong, which if you know anything about these things is hard to do. What had happened really wasn’t Tim’s fault it was mine, I found a can of Scotch Guard in the closet of the place we were at and sprayed a good thirty second count of it into the bong water and then passed the thing over to Tim. He took his hit and the Scotch Guard when strait to his eyeballs, they started fluttering, and then Tim started spittin’ and coughin’ all over the place. When he settled down closing his eyes and holding the bong between his knees for a few moments I thought he was dying and just as I stood up to shake him he lifted the bong and lighter and locked that thing to his lips like so many cocks in alleyways over the years. At first no one noticed and I just sat there staring at him wondering if I had caused my friend brain damage while Tim just kept light and pulling on the thing. After a good five minutes of this a guy with a backwards baseball cap and a Baja pullover came over and asked for a hit. Tim gawked at the guy like he was speaking another language… then uttered “ You’d be pretty if you had straight hair” and then added in operatic singing style, “no you may not sir hatty-hat-boy!”. Luckily I was able to get us out of there before any punches were thrown.
I hope the rest of you are as proud of Tim as I am about his recent achievements and since all of his ideas were stolen from his friends you folks should be extra proud.
Happy Birthday and Keep up the good work pal,
James The Large
Twilight of the Assholes News
- Thanks to everyone who showed up at the book events at The Strand and Atomic. Video of The Strand reading can be seen on their Youtube channel. Some photos from the Atomic show, including shots of my lovely birthday tiara, are on Atomic's Facebook account. Here are some more photos by reader Bill Hughes.
- I now have a Facebook page. I friend no one.
If any readers would like to invite me to their area for a reading, let me know (and please recommend a local bookstore) through the contact page of this site.
For more information, see our new FAQs page.
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