Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1.) Why haven’t you updated the site in so long [you fucker]?

Tim Kreider is currently writing a book of essays for Free Press, at Simon & Schuster, due in July 2011, which takes up all his productive time (his productive time being limited to like three hours a day, tops, less with hangovers). Tim Kreider's life is complex and demanding. Give Tim Kreider a break, how about.

2. )Why doesn’t Tim Kreider draw cartoons anymore?

There are two answers to this question, one for readers who have bought Tim’s books and/or donated to the website and another for the rest of you:

a.) Tim Kreider is a sensitive man and became very angry and depressed after drawing cartoons about politics for eight years. He quit is weekly strip in 2009 and started writing instead, and to his surprise became way more successful at that than he ever was at cartooning.

b.) Because of you.

3.) What is he doing now?

 Why he's living like a Pasha in a turret in New York City, wearing raccoon and smoking cigars.

4.) Will Tim Kreider do a custom drawing on commission for my birthday/ anniversary/ graduation?

He will gladly agree to do this, and will begin work on it immediately, then get distracted by something else, forget about it completely, and not get back around to it literally for years. You will come to think of him as a liar and a phony, a man who has no respect for his loyal readers, and he, in turn, will come across your drawing-in-progress once every six months or so when he cleans his desk and cringe with guilt and dereliction and hide it even deeper in the pile in hopes of never finding it again. So let's maybe just not even bother.

5.) I am putting together an exciting anthology/ collection/ collaborative art project for which Tim would be a perfect contributor. We can't pay anything right now but a lot of really talented people are participating, and it'll be great exposure!

How about you go blow a goat.

6.) How do I find Tim’s first book, reputed to be his funniest?

The Pain—When Will It End?, which is in fact the single funniest book of cartoons ever drawn, has been unjustly remaindered by his publisher, Fantagraphics, but is available on abebooks.com.

5.) Whatever happened to ole Fellatio Chocula-Hotpants?

Sigh. Tim’s former intern, Phelætia Czochula-Hautpänz, returned to Paris in 2008, where she has completed her second graphic novel, Le Chat de l'Homme qui n'Aimait Rien, and is currently at work on a collaboration with director Paolo Sorrentino.

6.) Could you just pass along a message to her and say—

 No.

7.) I heard this crazy rumor that Tim Kreider was romantically involved with the actress Helen Mirren. Is there any truth to this story? If so, what’s the deal? Isn’t she married to some famous director, and anyway isn't she like thirty years older than him?

Tim Kreider never discusses his personal life in public. This rumor is patently untrue--and if it were true, he would deny it.