I realize it is a little late in the primary season to be throwing my hat into the ring but on the other hand I wouldn't have wanted to make Dean's mistake of Peaking Too Early (although I can pretty much guarantee that at some point in this campaign I will be making his other mistake of Screaming). I figure a surprise move like this is just what's needed to shake things up on Super Tuesday. My platform is broad-based enough to appeal to the core Democratic anti-family-values and pro-death factions, plus as is mentioned in the cartoon I do own a suit. As for the question of "electability," get this: if I receive the Democratic nomination I will unfailingly refer to George Bush as a lady throughout every stump speech and televised debate: "The lady from Texas," "Mrs. President," etc. The President will have no recourse but to either 1.) ignore me, thereby tacitly admitting that he is, in fact, a lady or 2.) blow his freaking top on TV a la Howard Dean. (Thanks to campaign advisor Mike Buckley for this tactic!) If you agree that I could not conceivably do any worse than the greedy, brutal bastards currently in charge of the country even if I tried, write in Tim Kreider in your state's primary. Campaign contributions can be sent to P.O. Box 422 in Charlestown, MD, 21914. Look for an announcement regarding my choice of running mate sometime in the next few months.
Although I have been up-front about every skeleton in my closet I could think of I am sure the thing that ultimately sinks my candidacy will be some silly little thing that never even occurred to me to mention, like that I call my cat "The Poobaloo" or my addiction to Vicodin or that my suit was made in France.
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