Below is the latest The Pain -- When Will It End?
Updated 03/01/06

Artist's Statement

For the record, I am not into hot she-male action. What I actually did on my birthday was win Emily (Lulu Eightball) Flake’s soul at air hockey. And now I’ll turn this week’s artist’s statement over to Jim:

Let me start by saying thank you to Tim for letting me draw this cartoon every year and for being such a great pal. Next there are many of you that came to visit me last year when I was hospitalized and my gratitude is great. The loneliness, that fortunately was little, was worse than the condition I was in. There are too many of you to thank but a few that deserve a mention; Tim of course who was hilarious at a time when things were just not funny. Cheryl, you are the best friend a couple like Sarah and I could ever hope to have, we love you, thank you. My mom and dad, who traveled weekly through horrible traffic to spend time with me, and hired us a house cleaner! Our house has never been so clean. Maureen, I think it was hard on you to see me so sick and you never showed it, you’re the greatest friend a brother could hope for. Taking into account our age difference that is amazing, though I think you may have finally passed me in maturity. Finally, Sarah, being the love of my life and all... I can be difficult at the best of times, you are a rock, and how can I thank you, your wisdom and love is an inspiration, I’ll keep trying to be and do the same for you.

This brings me to the fridge crowd, Dave Israel, Diane Chambers, Carolyn Ewald, Tom Ragatz, The Prince of Splendor (a.k.a. Martin Courtney), Matt Johnsen, Michael Hoke, Adam Cuerden. I’ll let you guys in on a little secret; if you are ever given the choice between starving to death and dieing of thirst, turn down the food. You can overcome hunger pain with pills, but thirst never stops. Every time I settle in on some filtered water or crushed ice I find myself smiling. Even on the coldest days I go for the crushed ice. Parting with your cash was awesome; I offer all of you a frosty toast.

Finally, thanks to Tom Murphy who invented the Font “Secret Labs” which I used to make this cartoon.

I hope this year’s cartoon gets Tim a hot date. I worry about the guy and how bad his crack addiction has been getting lately. Has anyone else noticed that he has even been experimenting with cheap highs like poppy pods? You would never catch me doing anything like that. What a low life for such a noble character.

Tim if you are offered any dates because of this ad you may spend the money I earned drawing the cartoon not on crack, but on a hot date. I said a date fucker, not crack. Anyway if that is the case, keep the cash for you buddy, I am sure you can think of something fun to do with all that dough. Hear that ladies, I am funding your date, order the lobster!

If I missed anyone sorry, write me at and complain.

I am currently not drinking and enjoy various highs, please send your Percocet, Vicodin, morphine, Tylenol w/codeine, Diladid, etc. and their pleasant generic compadres to Tim’s mailing address he will make sure I get AT LEAST HALF FUCKER of what you send (that “fucker” was directed at Tim not you kind pill sharing folks).

Cheers, salutations, love to everyone and a toast to life… it is all we got going for us!


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