Below is the latest The Pain -- When Will It End?
drew this from a rough draft I dug out of the big "Cartoon Fodder" file because
I am in physical pain and it was Monday and I had no ideas, nothing, and didn't
feel up to pulling off the sleight-of-hand miracle of coming up with a funny
idea and drawing it before five o'clock. The physical pain is mysterious.
I woke up last Sunday morning with terrible pain in my neck, upper back, left
shoulder and arm, pain so unexpectedly bad that I thought I might faint at
breakfast. At first I assumed this was related to my broken collarbone, which
is on the same side, an injury I suffered a year and a half ago. But I went
to see the same doctor who expensively monitored my collarbone's failure to
heal, and he said he didn't think it had anything to do with that injury.
This doctor is a lot more laid-back in his attitude toward my health than
I'd like him to be. He just shrugged when I asked him what could have caused
this. He circled the diagnosis "reticulitis" on the form, which means a shooting
pain in the nerves, which is how I would've described it. Fifty-six dollars.
I don't know why I bother going to doctors; never once has any doctor I've
gone to for anything other than an emergency-room injury known what was wrong
with me or been able to fix it. It's like whenever your drain is clogged,
you go out and buy a bottle of Liquid Plumr, pour it in, and it doesn't work.
are my own private theories about the pain:
1.) It is in fact related to the broken
collarbone, just as it obviously seems to be, and my doctor is an incompetent
fraud just like everyone else,
2.) it's a delayed effect from a fenderbender
I was in a month ago, in which a car owned by the archdiocese of Baltimore
rear-ended me, in which case I will sue the collective ass of the Catholic
Church, which I understand is loaded, or
3.) it is a psychosomatic self-inflicted
injury subconsciously intended to prevent me from drawing my cartoon anymore,
which I have to tell you has become a joyless chore.
did at least give me a prescription for some painkillers. The painkillers
do not actually kill the pain, of course, but they do get me high. Being high
while also being in pain is better than just being in pain, but not as good
as not being in pain. Meanwhile I haven't had a good night's sleep in over
a week now, my left arm and fingers are numb, and it's very difficult to draw.
So frankly, folks, I put in a C minus effort this week. I apologize. Hopefully
it's funny enough for you, but I don't really care. I'm taking more Vicodin
and watching the DVD of The Phantom Menace tonight. If I am still in
this much pain next week I am shooting myself in the head, in which event
there will be no cartoon that week.