Below is the latest The Pain -- When Will It End?
"Goofus and Gallant" was
a recurring feature in Highlights, a children's magazine that I only ever
saw in the dentist's waiting room. The premise, which is pretty obvious from
this parody, was to illustrate appropriate and inappropriate behavior through
contrasting examples. Goofus was the fuckup child and Gallant his smarmily
polite counterpart. In this
version predicated on more adult situations, I am Goofus and my straight-A,
Science Fair-winning high school friend Brian Brooks is Gallant.
In reality I am almost pathologically polite and do not have the necessary
courage or hostility to say these things; I put them in my cartoons instead.
But I do suffer from an inability to summon up the correct stock responses
at these sort of moments. I remember once a friend announced her engagement
to me and before I could think I blurted out, "You're crazy." I'm
the sort of guy who honestly doesn't understand why anyone weeps at weddings
but can't get through an old Ray Bradbury story without choking up. And I
still haven't been able to bring myself to use the word "cute" in
to my toddler nephew, although my entire family has urged me to, and I have
to admit I have used the word to describe the goslings who live in my neighbor's
yard. What can I tell you? Those goslings are cute as shit.
Brian Brooks has since gone on to become an MD/PhD in Opthamology. I draw