Below is the latest The Pain -- When Will It End?
Updated 04/25/01

Artist's Statement

There is something about my appearance or demeanor that seems to suggest to a certain type of man that I am a faggotty-assed college-boy who is too big for his breeches and is all but asking to get the shit beaten out of him, so I have a certain amount of experience with physical confrontation. I have, for example, been punched in the face, and also stabbed in the throat. Who better to advise the reader in the arts of self-defense, and,
more importantly, other-offense?

I offer no guarantees about the efficacy of these techniques and am not to be held liable if their attempted use results in injury and death to the attempted user. I will say that I used #1 on one regrettably memorable occasion in a dispute with a convnience store clerk many yearas ago, and was lucky only to be laughed at. #3 has always been my secret plan in case of one-on-one combat. It seems like it might really work. I'll let you know. My large friend Jim and I have agreed to deploy #4 in the event of a bar fight, with the caveat that if I execute part 1 of the move--no matter how premature, unprovoked, or ill-advised it may seem--Jim must proceed to execute part 2, lest I find myself just hanging off of some angry guy's back covering his eyes and get the pudding whupped outen me.