I recently heard President Bush say that he can feel millions of Americans praying for him all the time. This gave me an idea. This week, for the first time in decades, I, a confirmed atheist, prayed aloud. “Dear God,” I prayed, “Please smite George Bush before the election. I don’t care how you do it. Maybe something really unmistakably Old Testament, like turning him into a pillar of salt or having him mauled by forty-two she-bears. That would be good. Or maybe just afflict him with boils! No one could doubt that that was Your work. But that’s entirely up to you.

“If you do this, I have to be honest—I cannot promise that I will convert and believe in You (in Your divine wisdom, You made me extremely skeptical). However, it will definitely spook me, and give me serious pause, and I promise I will reconsider my decades of hard-line atheism. Also, I will tell everyone I know the story of how I prayed to You and You miraculously slew him. I will proselytize for You. I feel that this is a major concession.

“Again, just to recap: please smite George Bush before Election Day—that’s November Second, a week from this Tuesday. O Lord, strike his ass down! This is Tim Kreider, saying thank You in advance and amen.”

Please, readers, join me now in prayer. Pray to whatever God you believe in and ask Him (or Her) to smite George Bush before Election Day. [Muslims welcome to participate!] If we can do this, we can tell every Fundamentalist Christian we meet that we asked God to smite the President and He did--that it was God’s will.

Webmaster's Disclaimer