May 2007

4 May 2007

Good Afternoon Ms. Hautpanz,

I felt compelled to write to Mr. Kreider immediately after I was berated, by my boss, for failing to send an email to a factory in China. I can only imagine that my "failure to have my ducks in a row" (---real actual f-ing quote) has cost the company tens of dollars.

This email is being written in spite... obviously. 

Good day to you.

Best regards,


Paul Osimo,

Mr. Kreider requests I ahead to you the following news item:

He sympathizes with your difficult situation and hopes that your ducks will be soon be straightened.



I honestly didn't realize that birds had penises.  Gross.



8 May 2007

First off Tim,

    I've frequented your website for quite a long time now and I never checked out your contact section, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow....your interness Ms. Phelætia Czochula-Hautpänz is incredibly beautiful, I'd draw all day and night to sit next to her. Well, anyway, lucky you. Anyway, my simple request is for the list of your buddies and cheerer-ups when they included Frank Zappa, this certain painter that was brilliant, as well as this one present day writer who is amazing. I kept checking out the links and thought they were great. Unfortunately, the chance I had to write them down and check out their work in a book, gone (Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I procrastinated on it and I have the world's worst memory). If you could please send me an e-mail of just at least the list of names, I'd really appreciate it.  The sources that you found inspiration are really enticing, I want to see what they could potentially mean to me.I LOVE finding out new things, philosophies, information, and stuff. I am an artist myself and currently I am attending a life-draining, miserable, mentally-stunting, costly, conformity-promoting, get it, institute of art known as "The Art Institute". While sitting in class hearing my teachers regurgitate useless information I heard last quarter, I find safety in reading your comics and sharing in your humor. I think your style is great at displaying your ideals and irritability with current affairs. I like the fact that when life sucks (despite Phelætia being there) instead of crying in the shower, you fuse your art into it and make it a great thing! Or both! It matters, it matters because people tune in to see what's new and enjoy what you make. Plus, you're the only present-day artist I know of that has groupies, groupies! I think the last artist to have groupies was like, Bob Ross. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I am currently working at achieving a somewhat similar status in my own "realm" of art and creativity. You're good motivation and Phelætia is good motivation for what I'm gonna dream about tonight. With that said, thanks for reading this e-mail of me going on and on, and keep doing what you're doing cause you're doing it well. I don't have boobs so I don't really have anything to attach.....and what I got I don't think you really want a full resolution picture of.  But if  Phelætia wants to see it, I'd be happy to Fed-Ex myself over to your spot (hope she likes tattoos)! Ciao Tim!

Hugs and Kisses,

Michael M. '07


Ms. C.-H. forwarded your e-mail to me here in Bejing, where I'll be for another couple of days. As nearly as I can recall, the artists whose work I recommended were: Diane Arbus (photgrapher), Francis Bacon (the painter, not the philosopher), B. Kliban (cartoonist), Stanley Kubrick (director), Friedrich Nietzsche (philosopher), Harry Partch (composer), David Foster Wallace (author) and Frank Zappa (composer). (If you're going to art school you certainly ought to have learned about Francis Bacon, the greatest figurative painter of the twentieth century, still hugely influential. What the hell are they teaching you there?) These were some of my artistic heroes when I was figuring out how to be an artist. The only real thing they all have in common is their independence and originality. Of course they all had their own heroes and influences, too, but each of them produced profoundly original work that was widely imitated and never equaled. But originality is, by definition, impossible to emulate.

I could run on listing artists whose work I think you ought to know but this would be presumptuous and possibly irritating. Pleased as I am to foist work I admire on the ignorant young, I think it's probably better to let you figure out what you need to know on your own. Artists tend to find the influences they need at the right time.

It's true that I probably get more groupies than any other cartoonist, but keep in mind that this is a relative matter. The art groupies are few and far between, I'm afraid. If groupies are your goal, I would recommend either a.) playing in a band or b.) doing something dull that makes a shitload of money. These things seem to appeal to the ladies.

Thanks very much for your kind words about my work, which often feels unrewarding and useless. It's not all groupies, is all I'll say, especially not lately, and messages from readers letting me know how much the work means to them mean a lot, in turn, to me.

Yeah, that Ms. C.-H., she’s a heartbreaker. But I assure you she is nobody's groupie.


*Are you at the Maryland Institute College of Art? you're in Baltimore, perhaps we can have a beer or two sometime, after which I will start loudly recommending all kinds of things I think you ought to read and see and listen to.


I'm really impressed, I was crossing my fingers hoping to get a message within maybe 2 weeks or so but you came back to me within a day. I really appreciate you taking the time to get those references to me and I will put them in great use asap. To answer your question, I don't reside in the Maryland area, I actually live in the state with the worst public school system, most polluted air, crazy traffic, and most "up-the-ass" assholes in the western world....Southern California (born and raised). But hey, if you're looking for great beaches/beachside bars, chicks in bikinis (with the plastic enhancements), and ehhh.... well, San Diego and Los Angeles'd be at home here. But I wouldn't suggest it, it seems like you've really developed a great livelihood over there in Baltimore. Although I haven't been to Baltimore, I actually have a tattoo of the icon of "The Cat's Eye Pub" in Fells Pointe. The picture really grabbed my attention when my sister came home from attending St. John's in New York with the pub's t-shirt as my gift. It would be sweet though to sit with you and have a few brews. You know, not to excess of course, maybe 12-18. That's when the REAL good conversations come out, which I'm sure you know. I haven't had a brew in quite a long time, I get a lot of crap from my others because I like to drink myself into a euphoric state which they consider "unmoderate". But if I was to hang out with you, I'd start a tab! As far as the compliments, I know it's hard to retain that uplifting feeling when you have a fan that gives your art merit, and I know as Oscar Wilde would say, "All art IS quite useless" but it's a beautiful thing and you wield it with creative strength. Well, before I go any further on a rant, thanks for sending me the e-mail so soon, it means alot. Keep in touch, it's good to hear from a fellow artist, maybe I can show you my work some time and you can give me your HONEST opinion in its entirety. My school is the Art Institute of Orange County, CA (bleh*).


Michael '07

P.S. Speaking of Nietzsche (the mad philosopher), I actually just finished "Human, All Too Human" What a great book, I actually want to pick up that Dreameaters one you were reading.

Michael '07 (good luck getting your second zero--license to kill!),

Not much time to write here—just sending you a quick note to urge you not to read "Glass Books of the Dream Eaters." It is crap. But strangely impossible to quit reading. I finished the last hundred pages in an impatient, resentful rage. It’s a whole week out of your life that would be better spent seducing surgically enhanced beach bunnies, believe me.
Don't get too euphoric; it's not good for an artist, or the liver.


10 May 2007

Dear Awesome Comic Dude,

I first must do what many have done before me: to congratulate you on one of the most outrageously funny/melancholically thought-provoking comics to have graced our fair interwebs!  It is my most sincere hope that you continue to do so and in good health for many, many more years!

The reason I got to writing this for you was that I had recently (I only found out about your comic three days ago, and have spent all available spare time in the aforementioned days to read thru your comics archive) noticed you have (or had, my memory is shot) a thing for Captain America. I wanted to ask you, however, if you have ever heard of Spider Jerusalem, or more exactly, the comic "Transmetropolitan"? In a nut-shell, it tells the story of a journalist in the future, with some interesting analogies to modern-day social-political America. Many parallels could be drawn between him and yourself: your disdain for religion, your general views on politics, you each own a cat, etc… Anyways, I completely recommend you pick it up; the whole 60 issue run was the most laugh-inducing political satires I have ever read! Oh, if you ever do become interested in the series but are unable to locate the whole run (the last issue was printed in ’02), do not forget that anything can be found on the internets *cough*searchatorrentsite*cough*!   

In closing, keep it up man; remember it’ll get much worse before it gets better!


Dear Email Screening Chick,

I wanted to ask you, about how much hate-mail do you actually have to screen? Does Mr. K get a lot of that? Is any of it particularly ridiculous?

Anyways, keep up the good work; you’re the last line of defense between Mr. K and the horrors of the interbutts!

Pedro Ferro:

Initially, I must make excuses to delay in this answer. Mr. Kreider thanks you for your sincere compliments on his work. Always they mean much with him, the voices of the readers, since no other praise or official validation is received. (They are his irritable words.)

Mr. Kreider reports that you are the second somebody to recommend this work to him in recent weeks. (The first was his host in China.) Always he takes it as "a significance" that this thing must be read when such synchronistic recommendations occur. (This is why he recently read the Letters of Rilke "To a Young Poet.") He will try to locate a copy of this BD as soon as possible—or, rather, he will ask me to do this.



P.S. The mail of hatred is rare, and although it is among my functions with Mr. Kreider to shield him of this, always he requires it on viewing. From time to time he answers, as to the defender of Reagan. Always it is an error, to lead only to painful and tiring exchanges.


Many readers wrote to be inquire about the hiatus during the voyages of Mr. Kreider's in Thibet, in spite of the explanation easily available in the report of the artist.

13 May 2007

Dear Sir:

I have not been receiving my weekly fix of The Pain since 4/25/07.  Perhaps the author has decided on vacationing/sabbatical?  If this is the case, fine, however I would be very sad if the strip was no more.

Please advise.


A Fan


14 May 2007

I check in daily for updates, but find nothing revealing on the site. Has some ill fate befallen the creator of my weekly dose of misanthropia? Must I approach each Wednesday with the same grim boredom and hangover I endured prior to discovering TPWWIE? Please advise, so that I might acquire the requisite combination of cat and Lovecraft to languish away the days without humor.


A concerned fan



18 May 2007

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

As a long time fan of Mr. Kreider, I am writing because the comic on the Pain website has not been updated in nearly a month, and I fear for Mr. Kreider's health and general wellbeing. Mostly, at this point, I hope that the ghost of Jerry Falwell is not haunting Mr. Kreider, shaking his large flabby belly and jowls at him (lacking chains), and generally being a nuisance. If this is the case, simply present to him, as though rebuking a vampire with garlic, an inverted cross covered with pictures of men kissing. With any luck the Pain will be on-line again soon and I can go back to not worrying about one of my favorite cartoonists.

Your friend in pain,

Rob Randolph.


22 May 2007

Dear Mr. Kreider,

Look I know that your last post almost a month ago said that you were disappearing (possibly forever), but that just isn't cool.  Life just isn't worth enduring without the vitriol and cynicism you bring in little illustrated packets.  So, bring it back, I'm tired of this hiatus.  Or at least put out another book.

Sincerely, James Gardner


23 May 20007

Hey Tim,

Love your cartoons.  I'm glad to see you are not straining yourself making them.  I know you took an extended leave not too long ago.  I guess the pressure of the 3 cartoons you've generated since then have been overwhelming.  You should be given some slack, as the physical dimensions of your cartoons are about twice the size over anybody else, and thus, I guess it could be reasoned that your work load is twice those of your peers.

Way to stay safe and healthy,

A fan, each blue moon that happens when the cartoons happen.


To the Readers:

I regret delaying this answer. As you can see, the drawing now began again after the recovery of Mr. Kreider. He thanks the readers for the concern and the compliments on The Work.

On a personal note to Eric Ingram, Mr. Kreider offers to me to invite you to go to fuck yourself.



My apologies for not reading your artist's report before firing off the email. If it's any consolation, by brother called me a fucking idiot.

Rob Randolph


26 May 2007

Dear Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz,

Thank you for updating the Kreidership on the health of the author of the funny pictures. I had been worried that, while traveling in Tibet, the author had accidentally gotten himself Enlightened. Something like this happened to Alainis Morissette on a trip to India following "Jagged Little Pill," and the angry genius of that first album turned into treacle and saccharine. If Mr. Kreider had gotten himself Enlightened he would surely have spent the rest of his career publishing "Waminals."

I am delighted to learn that Mr. Kreider is merely deathly ill, and remains as unenlightened and furious as ever. I suggest that you simply supply him with some of the fermented mare's milk to which he had become addicted on his journey. A fix might revive him enough to scribble down his thoughts on the recent Democratic demonstration that they, like the Republicans, work for their corporate lobbyists and not for the


Still awaiting the debut of

-Bob Alberti

Bob Alberti,

We appreciate your concern in the name of Mr. Kreider, which I can ensure you that he returns from The Extreme East as nonenlightened as he was when he went, as perhaps is obviousness of recent drawings. He practises the meditation now, but it is to mitigate only of the feelings of jealousy and loopholes of fury, not to seek the truth.

He took the butter tea of yaks while with the foreigner, but the taste for him did not develop.



P.S. Thank you for your interest, but I do not have any plan for my own Web site until my next book, "The Cat of the Man who Did Not Like Anything" is completed.


31 May 2007

Mr. Kreider,

As a lifelong Dick Tracy fan, despiser of the current administration, and morbid, vicious, bitter wreck of a human being, it gave me extraordinary, and perhaps even near-sexual satisfaction to see you depict the Bush cronies fall victim to harsh, righteous Gouldian justice. However, I must correct an oversight you made regarding the death of the Brow. He did not die from electrocution, as you claim, but instead was impaled on the American flag after tumbling from the top story of police headquarters, "killed by the very symbol of the country he wished to harm", as Tracy said (or words much to that effect. I don't have a copy of the story, and can't find any pictures online, alas). I would hardly presume to tell you your job, but perhaps a sequel strip is in order, as this seems too perfect an image to pass up. After all, the head of this rat's nest has yet to receive his just deserts...

Yours, in admiration and impotent rage, 

Alexander Thomas      

Alexander Thomas,

I stand corrected. In fact my friend Boyd described the flagpole-impalement to me years ago, but, because the version of the story reprinted in my "Celebrated Cases of Dick Tracy" anthology ends with The Brow slumped senseless against a crackling electric fence, I never really retained the image. I'm sure that if I'd seen it with my own eyes it would be permanently seared into my mental retinas. Anyway, it seemed appropriate that Gonzales should be crushed in a torture device, but it does seem a shame to pass up the opportunity to impale some high-ranking member of the Bush administration--perhaps George himself--on the American flag. Heavy-handed, perhaps, but that's cartoon justice.