2 June 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

Please to ask Mr. Kreider if he's enjoying his hovel.  Also, I thought this story was interesting, albeit brief.


My own brother, finally out of the Army, had to go to Iraq twice during his enlistment.   Two of his friends and fellow soldiers commited suicide while over there because they were told that they'd have to return.  Said he wouldn't go back if they paid him.  My cousin is on his THIRD tour in Iraq.



3 June 2006

Misses C-H:

I was pleased to see my letters in the web but afflicted also.  My English is not very strong.  I expect that his readers do not lose their high opinion of the Dutchman by cause of my poor words. 

Consideration for you and Mr. Kreider,

Mahault Knoedel


3 June 2006

I'm enjoying both the comics and the sheer linguistic nerdiness of you using the diaresis in words like relection. My god, I haven't seen anyone in a long time using those. I used to get such guilty pleasures from using it in such words as coöperation and my all-time chemical favorite (where I first saw the diaresis used in English in an older textbook), isoöctane.

How many questions do you get about the dots, anyhow? :)

Thanks for all the visceral chuckles,

Ritchie A.

Ritchie A.:

Mr. Kreider likes the use of the diareses dearly, but most passionament of all he adores any excuse to cojoin the A and the E as in the æon and cæsar. (He did not know himself the name for this typographical figure--he would have thought it was the umlaut--and he wonders if you know what is the æ called formally.) I had at the beginning supposed that this was the reason that he has me chosen as his intern, but since being in his uses others are to me more likely.



*laugh* Umlaut is what everyone who has studied German would know it as, but in German, it just stands in for a missing "e". (Just as the circumflex '^' stands for a missing s: hotel from hostel, fort from forest).

In English and Dutch, the diaresis keeps apart two sounds that would otherwise be smooshed together :)

I've noticed he likes to use the æsc (the is still referred to as an "ash") For Latin words, that used to be like the "ye" in "bye". Caesar would have been said "kye-sawr". "Kaiser" is certainly a lot closer to the way is would have been said than our smooshy "See-zur" :)

My favorite German character is the "ess-tset", the , which looks like a beta symbol (actually, I'm cheating and using a beta symbol because it's so close), but it came from a time when they wrote in that florid old angular calligraphy, and the s we know and love today was only present at the end of words (I think this was the case in English as well) - otherwise it was exactly like an f but the stroke didn't go all the way through. So '-ss' was both of these together (imagine connecting the letters in 'fs'), hook them up at the top and it looks like a beta.

I think maybe a couple of readers at most would get the joke if he referred to someone as an "a" ;)

Thanks for the response, Phelætia. I'm getting my political and nerdolinguistic fixes at the same time :)

This week's cartoon probably has folks screaming Godwin's Law at Tim :) Given the theme, has Tim seen and hopefully enjoyed V for Vendetta?


-- Ritchie


2 June 2006


Please pass this along to Tim.


Beth H., scientist and fan of "The Pain


Bethany H.:

Mr. Kreider would make me thank you for information on the contest of cartoons of science. He assures you that that he will not win this contest because he does not win ever any contest of cartoons, even in Iran, and additionally one of the judges is the scorned Bob Mankoff, editor of cartoons of the New Yorker  (famously without humour), who once already rejected drawings of Mr. Kreider's. However, he feels that there can be fodder for a good cartoon in this idea, and thus anyway may write it. He currently requests ideas of his scientifically educated friends which to steal.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.




5 June 2006


I just stumbled across your site and wanted to commend you on your enemies list. That is superb. I think I'd like like to make one, although I don't think it be as extensive or interesting as yours.

That's all really. I'm a big fan of stupid small emails to people I don't really know, so please don't add me to your list for stealing your idea.


Sam P.:

Mr. Kreider believes it is as important to keep a complete list of enemies, and in the correct order, as it is to keep one of lovers. Similarly, he would not wish to be amiss forgetting somebody.   

He assures you that it would require a graver offence that using this idea to be placed on his list, such as the theft of a tenth of dollar, the imperfect repair of a car silencer, or the mocking remark of his socks.




11 June 2006

Pluto Switches Place?

According to this it did (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/23rd_century)

"In the early 23rd century Pluto will switch ranking with Neptune and temporarily, for about 20 years, will become the 8th planet from the Sun. The last time this has occurred is from 1979-1999."

Of course, I need to go verify this...


Mr. Kreider is well informed of this tendency of Pluto. It is an eccentric planet, but a planet nevertheless, just as Mr. Kreider is an eccentric person but without worrying. His identification with this planitesimal is intense and unhealthy in my opinion. But it is hardly the unhealthiest of his tendencies.




13 June 2006

Compare the current cover to the May 7, 1945 cover.  What are we being

encouraged to believe here?


MIKE "airquotes" W.

Mike W.:

Your point is well taken by Mr. Kreider but as he has only this week compared the President with Hitler he feels he has "not a leg to hold onto" to point to the odious analogies of others. 




16 June 2006

Dear Mr. Kreider (And, aye, that's a wee bit formal, but, weel..),

I suspect you may know this already, but as a fellow fan of Pluto, once I saw an offhand mention of the Hubble telescope discovering two new moons of Pluto, I had to look up the details. And here they are! http://hubblesite.org/newscenter/newsdesk/archive/releases/2006/09/  Must admit I, for one, find it hard to say a three-moon planetary system isn't a planet... But, eh, weel. Anyway!

...I'm afraid I tried to write the next sentence five times before my shyness towards people I find much more talented than I am overcame me. Think I'd best just end here. Take care!

-Adam C.

Adam C.:

Mr. Kreider is well informed of this new moon of Pluto in addition to small faithful Charon, and agrees certainly with you that this can only support the argument for the inclusion of Pluto in the family of planets. He invites you to write your representatives elected about protecting our ninth planet's taxonomic status as a planet by the legislation, if necessary.




18 June 2006

the page says tim is suffering from worse than usually crippling depression. Tell tim not to be sad, he kicks major ass in a big way. Let him know that he is an icon of the truthsaying as satire profession. Oh, and I fucking love waminals. And there are uncountable times where tim's work has brought me to the edge of shitting my pants with glee. It could be worse, you could live in wisconsin, like I do.

Keep on keeping on, and when you get to the end, stop.



Mr. Kreider sincerely thanks you for your pleasant words, even concerning the accursed W______s and the provocation of incontinence. However, he asks: how does he know when it is the end?

He is sorry for your life in Wisconsin.




19 June 2006

Tim - The last few times I read "Modern Drunkard," I've wondered whether or not you were a reader. If not, you should be; it resonates nicely with The Pain's themes. It's a shame you're not boozin' at the moment. But hey! Maybe you'll find direction in the Drunkard. Cheers, Tim T., Hong Kong


Tim T.:

I will refer Mr. Kreider to this link after July first. I am certain that he would appreciate it but I am not sure it would be salubrious that he look at it currently during his test-month of sobriety.



C.-H. - ... or it might be just the thing to test Mr. Kreider's resolve. I leave it to you. TMT, Hong Kong 


19 June 2006

Dear Ms. Hautpanz,

I am not of the wish to disturb Mr. Kreider.  I believe that I understand his named Persona movie.  I am not the kind to force, but I think that it means the scene on the beach.  This is a memorable one, because clear in the moment, in the films of Bergman. 

Mahault K.

Ms. Dumplin:

It is indeed the monologue of beach to which the drawing refers. It is a scene both awaking and disturbing, which is the most effective awakening of all.

Not to make excuses for your English. Your letters are understandable and amusing. At all events it is an unwieldy, leaden language in my opinion, completely of the arbitrary rules and foolish idiom, useful only to make deals international and to curse.




20 June 2006

Hey Ms. Hautpanz,

Please wish Tim the best of luck in his sobriety test, and tell him that I loved the pic of Dave doing "the face" in front of the Coliseum.

I also like the gogo pics of you and Tim.  I'm concerned, tho.  The thick eyeliner...



Mr. Kreider spends his month of sobriety effortlessly but with little joy. The face of the webmaster Dave is omnipresent everywhere in all the sphere where he goes, from the Antarctic to the Black Sea, always it is the same one, like an idol graven.

Certainly my beauty products are without concern to you.




20 July 2006

... great way to falsify the facts in order to push your anti-american, anti-military angenda through rubber-stamped cartooning! Go you! You're really going places.

PS- why don't you talk to a US Soldier (who is, by the way, unselfishly fighting for your right to continue to spew this diahrrea [sic] unabaited [sic] and uncensored) who would perhaps give you a little bit of insight on what this war is -really- about? Lets start with my brother -- tell him how you like to piss on his sacrafices [sic] with lies that have been spoon-fed to you from your friends George Soros and Michael Moore?

Please educate yourself. How about starting with the Persian Gulf War? After, research your way though the Operation Iraqi Freedom Documents on their government website. The answers to why we're still fighting terrorists today all over the middle east lies within those pages.

Actually, nevermind. You go on making these webcomics for your 14-22 year old demographic. I don't know why i'm trying to dissaude you. It's best you make a jackass out of yourself :) Kill babies! save homosexual marriage! Yay!


A mother, wife, and a conservative

Sarah H.,

In the past it's almost invariably proven to be a mistake to try to speak to conservative readers kindly and reasonably. I'm hoping you'll be another exception to this rule.

As I said in the artist's statement accompanying my cartoon, my only position on Iraq at this point is that I wish people would stop dying there. My opinions aren't formed by the mass media; I was an adult during the first Gulf war, and I've read a fair amount about the history of this one. I think this war was unnecessary, and I doubt that perusing the administration's propaganda on the subject would change my mind. (I certainly don't believe Saddam Hussein was endangering my First Amendment rights.) For whatever it may be worth to you, which I suspect isn't much, I do believe that individual altruism, courage, and honor are admirable even in the service of a misguided cause.  It's obvious you and I wouldn't agree on many issues, but I'm with you in hoping your brother comes home safely, and soon.

As for the babies and homosexuals, I once drew a cartoon proposing the following compromise: outlaw abortion, legalize gay marriage, and then let gay couples adopt all the unwanted children. What do you say?


Tim Kreider


21 June 2006

Hi there, I'm a big fan of The Pain, and even moreso the artist's statements that are attached to it.  I thought Tim might like to see this: it's just a blurb I wrote in a little Buffalo based lefty rag for some lunch money.  It was part of a discussion between contributors in light of something that Bush II said at a press conference in Vienna, and the subsequent response from people all over the world:


Well, I have something nice to say about the administration of Bush the Second, and about Dubya in particular.  I know some (71%) of you will think "oh Christ, she's a nut," but hear me out.  It's been decades since there was a public figure who induced this kind of powerful mutual understanding in people, and I can only think of two figures who that type of understanding has been this strong about: Nixon and - on the other end of the spectrum - JFK.  The way people have come to feel about the Bush administration and the cost of it remaining in power is the kind of understanding that transcends language and speaks to the most basic and elemental human Truths.

By now, the vast majority of people in North America and Europe have either felt it for some time, or are just beginning to feel it now.  It is largely subconscious, and that's part of why many of Bush's critics seem inarticulate or repetitive (not nearly as much as Bush himself, however): we're all trying to describe something that's becoming intrinsic to us as a society. It's akin to the old psychological dilemma wherein we try to describe our strongest emotions, but there is no objective language available to do so, so we draw on his rather striking resemblance to certain primates to illustrate our feelings.  In his own way, at least for the time being, George Walker Bush is becoming a part of the human condition, like love and hate.

Closer, for the record, to hate.

I would love to hear what Mr. Kreider thinks of Bush's statement and my little piece of mental masturbation.

PS: could that journalist have gotten any close to saying "why are you such a retard?"  And isn't it funny when Bush says "t-t-t-tyranny"?

Abby L.:

Mr. Kreider would make me thank you for your compliments on his prose, which you could have noted have become longer and more polished of late. He is a serious author and works with excess over the artist reports. He appreciated your own passage on the unanimous unspoken bond among the haters of Bush. Perhaps in this one way the President really is, involuntarily, "a uniter, not a divider"?

Mr. Kreider in the past had an exchange with differently intelligent and civil conservative, in which they had to agree to be in dissension concerning the resemblance of Mr. Bush to a rhesus monkey. Mr. Kreider came to the conclusion that it was not simply their opinions but their perceptions which differed deeply. (As a European I can state definitively that Mr. Bush resembles in fact the monkey.)




22 June 2006

I'm sure it's been pointed out, but 6 million is only the number of Jews who died in the Holocaust.  Before you jump to thinking about the combat theatre, the number of people systematically killed by the Nazis were several million more.  The group includes:

# 5.16.0 million Jews, including 3.03.5 million Polish Jews [23]

# 1.8 1.9 million non-Jewish Poles (includes all those killed in executions or those that died in prisons, labor, and concentration camps, as well as civilians killed in the 1939 invasion and the 1944 Warsaw Uprising)[24]

# 500,0001.2 million Serbs killed by Croat Nazis

# 200,000800,000 Roma & Sinti ("Gypsies")

# 200,000300,000 people with disabilities

# 80,000200,000 Freemasons [25]

# 100,000 communists

# 10,00025,000 homosexual men

# 2,500-5,000 Jehovah's Witnesses

G. Black:

Usually I transpose the answers of Mr. Kreider' s, which he shouts of the other room, in my clean prose more delicate, but in this case I feel that I must quote him directly. When I read him your message he said: "Wow! That Hitler really was a bad guy!"




22 June 2006

Dear Mr. Kreider,

I'm a great admirer of your comic strips, they really make me laugh from time to time and convinced me that there are people living in Murica that hold the flag of liberty high in this dark age. Thanks! After viewing your newest comic strip I realised that Dubya cited Hitler in a speech without anyone noticing except me and perhaps a few other critics. He said "If you're not for us you're against us!" in a speech declaring the war on terrorism. Hitler said the same, but I don't know in which speech.(I read it on a panel in Berlin in the Memorial Center for the German resistance.) There is also a uncanny similarity between the motto of the Marine Corps (Semper Fidelis=Always true) and the Motto of the SS (Meine Ehre heit Treue= My honour is being true). Perhaps you can use this in your art.

Best regards, Martin B.

Martin B.:

Mr. Kreider adds that not only are these words of Hitler but also of the lapsed jedi, Darth deVader. It is one common feeling among acolytes of the Side in Black.

Mr. Kreider speculates that perhaps he will amuse himself by raising this parallel with the S.S. with his alienated marine neighbor on a certain occasion. He fools only of course.




22 June 2006


You'll likely never read this comment, but I would like to correct you on your artist's statement for the current comic, "The N-Word" of 06/21/06.  In the comment, you discuss the importance of being familiar with History but reiterate the common misconception that Hitler killed more people than Stalin or Mao.  In actual fact, Stalin's Purges killed in excess of 20 million people between 1929 and 1933, averaging at 5 million deaths per year.  Similarly, Mao's Great Leap Forward is said to have caused the deaths of at least 30 million between the years of 1959 and 1962--an unbelievable average of 10 million per year.  6 million Jews slaughtered in five years?  Tragic, yes, but not as unique or as astronomical as most people seem to think.


BC Canada


So much information Mr. Kreider has received about the respective scales of the mass murders of the twentieth century in this week! His readers seem disturbingly quite informed on this subject. However, consequently Mr. Kreider must constantly update his opinion of Hitler. After reading your message he must admit that Hitler is not so bad after all. He now arranges the dictators by evilness: 1.) Mao 2.) Stalin 3.) Hitler 4.) Pol Pot. He hopes that this will be considered precise and that these proportionate hatreds will make him a decent person.



P.S. This information has also given Mr. Kreider much more agitation about ordering the French beans and the pig sournesses that Mao appreciated at Grand Szechuan.


23 June 2006

To start off Id like to say I love your comics man and this newest one is great. Loved that valentine day thing with the guy screaming at.... something I love alot of your comics and while i think your the best damn cartoonist ive seen(mostly because I don't have to pay to see your comics. Post more comics please man) oh yeah man the letters page thing like the change got to say man if you read this nice. And one more drooling at the mouth fan statement I love the Scientist revolt one. Check out the band Personal Apocalypse No idea how to spell the damn name not in the band work for them sort of, they suck anyway sort of no singer. and that the end of my gibberish.

The Haycooks:

I will follow your compliments to Mr. Kreider but I can say to you that he will certainly not post more cartoons, as he can hardly bring himself to draw the one per week he must make now. In fact I will say to you in confidence that he considers to give it up completely, a reason being that nobody pays him, thus I will not pass this appreciation to him.

Moreover, Mr. Kreider does not like any band. He says that it is all too strong for him. Of late he listens only to the compositions sephulcral and calming of Arvo Pärt, which compounded with the ceaseless rain contribute to a sinking working environment.

The man in the cartoon of the Day of the Valentine shouts at the moon, and the futility of all human connection. He shouts for Mr. Kreider. He shouts for you.



23 June 2006

Dear Tim,

    As ever, you're operating on a level of thought and artistic skill that no other cartoonist in the country can match.  You're right that this week's cartoon is an uphill fight towards funny, but you reach it with Cheney's tightly-controlled "Do not do that George" in the final panel.  The thing that really sets you apart from other cartoonists, to my mind, is your use of lettering to evoke precisely the rhythm and tone necessary to take a line from merely amusing to sudden-terrifying-peals-of-laughter funny.  The example I always cite, when pointing this out ad nauseam to my friends, is the last panel of "After All The Oil Runs Out"; the Zeppelin Commander bit.

I'm curious; you frequently cite not having a job in the strip, and I can't imagine that the shamefully few papers that run The Pain are exactly a huge revenue stream.  How exactly is it you buy beer?  Either way, next time you're in Portland, I'll buy you a couple.  I owe you that much just for the number of your cartoons I've cited in online discussions, saving me an average of a thousand words apiece.


Noah B.

Noah B.:

Mr. Kreider deeply appreciates your perspicacious compliments on his work. He tries to make his drawings more astute and thought-causing than his colleagues', but estimates that this effort disappears too often unrecognized (this is his manner). He tries to make the dialogue of his characters like the delivery of comic actors, and is happy this is transported. Your interpretation of the line of Mr. Cheney is exactly as it envisaged. Mr. Kreider is a fanatic of the panel of the commander of the zeppelin.

As for his finances, they are neglected and mysterious. Mr. Kreider is careful about discussing this question but I believe he inherited a sum which enables him to live modestly, however with spasms of excess. No matter when it arrives the sum in an insulting way low that he receives certainly from the City Paper does not satisfy even his average material needs. He hopes he will be fortunate to accept your offer of beer if in Portland.




24 June 2006

Greetings Ms. Hautpanz:

I am anxious that your job must be boring if my letters give entertainment.  When that is true then I am cheerful to provide some holiday.

The cartoon this week is not quite funny but accurate.  President Bush and his group made a large campaign to fool the world.  In Dutch we have a word, plunderbund.  In English it means something as a group who fools people to get more.

Mahault K.

Ms. Dumplin:

Mr. Kreider informs me that there is an equivalent with this word  "plunderbund" in the American English. It is "Republican." He jokes in a depressing way.




24 June 2006

Hey there!

I simply love this week's comic...it's so very sharp witted! And I can totally understand Tim's comment for I felt the same when I heard about the massacre in Iraq. Even though or maybe actually because I'm not American this rage that is visible in all of his comics really gets me. 
Best wishes from the other side of the planet,


Sandra N.:

Mr. Kreider received much feedback on this cartoon and thanks you for your pleasant words. As a non-American I find the massacre depressing although not like Mr. Kreider, for whom it is like to learn that his beloved but faithless cat ate his cereal on the office computer, which is interdicted, and behind his back, except worse.  




28 June 2006

Dear Tim

I enjoyed your 'Iraq Policy' cartoon, which you may not know beautifully illustrates a point recently made by a world famous psychoanalyst.

In his article 'What Rumsfeld Doesn't Know That He Knows about Abu Ghraib' (21 May 2004), Slavoj Zizek wrote the following on the Abu Graib atrocities:

"To anyone acquainted with the reality of the American way of life, the photos brought to mind the obscene underside of U.S. popular culture - say, the initiatory rituals of torture and humiliation one has to undergo to be accepted into a closed community. Similar photos appear at regular intervals in the U.S. press after some scandal explodes at an Army base or high school campus, when such rituals went overboard. Far too often we are treated to images of soldiers and students forced to assume humiliating poses, perform debasing gestures and suffer sadistic punishments."

Yep - the jocks are already in Iraq, reproducing their national culture of sadistic abuse. Zizek needed encyclopaedic knowledge of human motivation and years of study of Lacan to reach the same insight that you nailed in a single cartoon.


William L.

Sydney, Australia

William L.,

Mr. Kreider asks me to sincerely thank you for your high compliments. It is pleasant for him to imagine that it is inessential that he wasted his years at the university in the intoxication and the futile pursuit of "The Tail," and can carry out the same results with the sporadic flashes of inspiration that others must spend years of painful and disciplined research to reach.

Needless to say he himself did not join a fraternal organization in the university. He recommends the film "Dazed and Confused" for an anthropological depiction of the sadistic youthful rites of  release.




28 June 2006

Dear Mr Kreider,

My name is Cortney A_______, I am from a small town in Michigan, and I.....I think I love you.  If only there were intelligent, attractive men such as yourself here in my sleepy little town.   *sigh......at least I have your books to keep me company.

Cortney A.:

It is among my work to examine and to obtain the groupie for Mr. Kreider, thus I will say to you that if you are attractive he will certainly grant you get stuffed. But as a woman I must inform you that Mr. Kreider is pleasant but has the fear of engagement, and will bring only tears and recrimination, which for all women are not equal in value to the many orgasms of intensity without precedent.  




29 June 2006

I cant spell to save my life but im sure as hell not going to get drafted either damn bastard lets raise the age for the draft and send in the old guys first to find out where the their shooting from before the guys that are NOT halfway to death go in. Fricken Bastard. Love your comics still but your a bastard. If there's a draft they should take at least one family member from each politician and their the first in. And women should be drafted too bastard. I get drafted any time in the future ill track you down yell at you then run for the nearest border. Seriously that's the best inequality chicks have going for them equality but not for the draft. Hell half the chicks I know are homicidal and sneaky as hell perfect for the army sorry im rambling.


a bum that could get drafted if there is one.

The Haycooks:

Mr. Kreider approves of the heart of your suggestions concerning a restored policy of drafting. (It is appropriate that the women are primarily the wilder kind.) It is true he is a bastard. However, he jokes only by suggesting a replaced draft. He certainly would not wish to see the increased age, as he is adapted little to the discipline and the poor life-style of the armed forces, as well as to fear their tendency to be killed.




30 June 2006

Hi Ms. Phelatia Czochula-Hautpanz,

I've contacted you before and you know what you must rock  hard core because I actually got a response from Tim because of you.  I've got an idea for a comic, or rather, a request.

   Phelatia, I don't know if you are aware of the site www.bushflash.com or not, but it is an incredible site.   I've been frequenting it since 2003 and he has stood for  truth and justice and against bullshit of all forms for  some time now against fascist dick-wads for destroying our planet.  just like Tim!

   Unfortunately, he just posted the other day that he is going to close down his site in 30 days and some of us are trying to get him to stay open, or just simply to thank him for all the work he's done over the years and to say that we support him no matter what.

   Would you ask Tim to do a tribute comic for Eric Blumrich?

   Are you familiar with his videos?  Have you seen his blog?

   He's a lot like Tim.

   I mean, if Tim is struggling for ideas for a comic.  He's like a brother in animation.  He deserves a creative tribute.

   It's just an idea.  But Eric Blumrich has done a lot for this community, and so has Tim.  His site is like a political cartoon without the cartoon.

   Thanks for your attention.


Howard C.:

I hesitate to say to you that this while you are already suffering the privation over the loss of bushflash, but Mr. Kreider itself goes on the hiatus for the remainder of the summer. I will return him to this Web site which you recommend and I am sure he will appreciate it, but I doubt that he finds energy in conceiving a homage to Mr. Blumrich. He may completely give up cartooning during some  time in order to pursue the writing and his other interests, such an alcoholic drink and The Tail. However, to be assured that he will continue his combat against the fascistic wads of dick in a certain form.




30 June 2006

Tim said: "What's with that eyeliner, anyway? Is it just that most of them are from Texas, where women don't know any better than to keep slathering on the tacky middle-school slut makeup well into late middle age?"

As a lifelong Texas resident (talk about besieged) the answer is: yes.

Keep up the good work. Your comics make me laugh.

Warmest regards,

Thomas M.

Thomas M.:

Mr. Kreider thanks you for confirming his theories about the slatternly beauty products of Texans. He pains for your seat in the sorry and barbarian state.