1 May 2006

I get the impression from Mr. Kreider’s references to Bush as baseball commissioner that he isn’t much of a fan of the game. As I am, I’d like to share with him the fact that the game’s current commissioner, Bud Selig, is about as good for baseball as Bush is for the US and the world. He should look into the topic, I’m sure that there are many cartoons worth of material in it.

Nice strip, by the way. Any comic I read on the Internet that isn’t about computer programming or who is or isn’t emo automatically seems admirable, but astute insight, great penwork, and killer punchlines make The Pain truly notable.

-Jonathan Green

Jonathan Green:

Mr. Kreider follows the play of the baseball only on the day of opening and increasingly rare occasions when the team of his birthplace, the Orioles, is in the Series of the World. Because of bad associations in the childhood he affects to consider all the sports with the contempt and the indifference and is thus little laid out to undertake painful research that a cartoon of Bush/Selig would require.

Neither Mr. Kreider nor myself knows about the term "emo." (I am not of the United States, and Mr. Kreider is medium-old and an enemy of popular culture.) Please clarify this for us, unless it is a stupid thing which will only exacerbate Mr. Kreider's hatred of his country.




6 May 2006

May I suggest the celebrated Mr. K include a few corporations on his friends list, like he does his enemies list. I would suggest Johnson & Johnson, for one. I am traveling in Asia at the moment, and I see their name crop up every now and then funding health care programs for the poor and supporting childrens homes.

Anyway, it doesn't have to all be darkness.

Will Kern

Will Kern:

Alas the only sleeping partners of corporation that Mr. Kreider is likely to approve are manufacturers of the youthful products such as the Snapple Mint and the Pop-of-Jiffy, which are abundant in New York but rare in County C____ in Maryland where he returns of summers to his house. These items are the fragile pedestal bearing his will to live.

As for the assumption of yours which all does not need to be darkness, I will suggest this with Mr. Kreider but project little success in convincing him of it, I must say to you.



8 May 2006

I got the joke in 'The Proof by Oncology.'

Also, I can recall one funny New Yorker cartoon: there's a middle-aged couple, the husband reading a newspaper, the wife answering the phone. She cups her hand over the microphone part of the handset as she informs her man: "It's the tallyman. He's tallied your bananas." I do not know why I find this funny to the extent that even thinking about it can make me laugh. Perhaps I have a brain tumor?

Jesse Dorje Irwin:

Mr. Kreider proposes that a malignity could be responsible for your understanding of "The Argument Oncological" and your appreciation of this drawing of the feared Man of Tallying.



8 May 2006

Love your work!

I'm a vet, disabled (so is my wife), and one of the few things I can do is pester the Hell out of Congress over the Net, blog and read a lot. I'm a musician/singer/songwriter and an ex-drafter, but I'm not your kind of artist.

And BTW, it looks to me like you do some serious human form and maybe erotic art. Any of that on display? (I've always felt that women were the reason for art in the first place - they just ARE what art aspires to).

Anyhow, I came up with a MAJOR frustration in a bleery moment (I don't sleep a lot, so there are a lot of those). Here it is, as-is. If you can do anything with it, please do!


Ian MacLeoed

Frame #1:

Rush Limbaugh standing by a proud Rummy, R.L. pointing to two men wearing tags that read "FDA Scientist". Limbaugh's eyes are bugging out, pupils (if possible) pinpoint, a BUG bottle hanging out of his coat pocket reads "OXY…), the rest hidden in the pocket. The scientists are, with R.L. and Rummy, standing in front of a curtain. Barely seen is a hand holding a gun to the heads of the nervous-looking scientists, who are holding a long scroll the heading of which is, "POT IS POISON!" (Maybe a subtitle: "Walters Was Right!"). A voice says, "Rolling, sirs".

Caption (R.L. speaking): "Look! Look! Absolute, God-given, scientific PROOF! I TODL you! I told you all!" Words decrease in size (volume) into a non-stop babble.

Frame #2:

Rummy and Rush walk offstage, R.L. still babbling.

Frame #3:

The two face each other, chatting. Off from the stage area: BANG! BANG! An out-of-frame voice says, "Sorry sirs. I thought I heard one of them say something about 'Recant later". Beat not to take chances". Under that, another voice: "WOW! Look at all this on 'em! Two uzis, about two kilos of pot, knives, brass knucks…"

Frame #4:

Rummy and R/L/ still chatting. Rummy: "Well, I uses that makes it hard for the press to interview our researchers… R.L.: "These things happen. The press understands that these days. They won't ask, believe me". Rummy: "You seem a little out of it. Have you been hit with that new Liberal Secret Weapon?" R.L.: "What weapon?" Rummy: "They call it "The Truth. We tested it ourselves, and it seems to be really disorienting to Republicans."

Frame #5:

R.L.: "No! That's awful! That must be it!" (He reaches for the bottle in his pocket. Rummy:" Don't worry – we already have a cure. Let's go chat with the dumm… ah, with George for a bit. That'll do it."

Frame #6:

The two men are walking down a hallway. R.L. "Really? A healer too!" Off-frame voice: "…pony nuke, white phosphorus grenades, Howitzer…" fading off-frame.


Mr. Kreider appreciated your cartoon but he prefers to steal the ideas rather than that they are given voluntarily. Moreover this multi-panel extravanganza is too much ambitious and complicated for a lazy man like Mr. Kreider.

Mr. Kreider has known several women to whose condition art does not aspire, you can be assured, unless it is the art of David Lynch. Alas he does not have any erotic art to reveal. His interest in the erotic, although almost monomaniacal, is confined to reality.

Respect for Your Service and Wishing You Sleep Well,


16 May 2006

Dear Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz,

Please tell Mr. Kreider that the longer his artist statements become the happier I am. This week was particularly enjoyable. Also; that I hope he gets well fucked, and soon. Thanks.



So far my only offers in response to last week's artist's statement have been from men. Some bisexual guy in Boston offered to give me a blowjob. We are just about at that point in the despair cycle where I seriously consider going gay. I'd be belle of the ball.

The next book probably won't be out for another year or two. So far I have parleyed my prestige into exactly one (1) real-life groupie, a dominatrix/fetish model from San Francisco. The online kind are nice, don't get me wrong, but of no real use on lonely nights.

Thanks for your support. If any of your New York friends switch teams in the next week, give them my contact information pronto.


16 May 2006

Dear Miss Hautpanz:

It is very nice to make your electronic acquaintance again! In the interests of your busy schedule managing Mr. Kreider, I would like to keep this brief.

While I am certain ten thousand gibbering baboons will also seek to bring it to his attention, I feel compelled to do it all the same. Please, if you could take a moment of your busy schedule, would it be at all possible to surreptitiously inform Mr. Kreider of the true meaning of rapine? I would not provide such a definition as we Canadians tend to be a foul people who spell things in a peculiar way, but I would like to assure him that rapine has little to do with rape, beyond sharing several letters.

Secondly, I thought he might have been interested to know that the Roman Catholic church was musing permitting the use of condoms in the AIDS-striken countries of Africa and perhaps others. Inasmuch as they allow that the contraception is against the tenets of their faith, they also concede that other solutions aren't working and that AIDS is a far greater evil. It may also be worthy of note that the Roman Catholics have far more sway in Africa than the wingnut Baptist factions (et al.) of the southern U.S. that so dominate the press there.

In closing, please send my regards to Mr. Kreider. I always eagerly anticipate his weekly strips and enjoy reading his opinions on the matter. Were he to find his way to the frozen wastelands in which I abide, I would surely buy him a drink. (And use much less overblown language!)

With respect,

D. C.


Mr. Kreider has been apprised of the proper significance of rapine (to plunder). He is shamed before Candaians, not, he is certain, for the first or last time.

He much is moved and impressed that the Catholics consider precautions to prevent the extinction of the Africans. This is magnanimous.

If he is marooned in your frozen uncultivated land Mr. Kreider will accept your drink.



17 May 2006

Hey Tim,

This weeks cartoon is fucking hilarious (Guerrilla Fuck Troops).

The last panel had me laughing so hard I almost had to explain myself to coworkers.




Mr. Kreider thanks you for your compliments and hopes not to be the cause of you being explained to your colleagues.



17 May 2006

I’m not offering work or money (or even sex)…

but I do like your comic. Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian. My enjoyment of The Pain increased when I started reading your artist’s statements.

Anyhoo, it’s a refreshingly disturbing and unsanitized view of America, for which I am sure you are grossly, grossly underpaid.

Keep it up.

P.S. Do you ever go “on tour” and speak at brewpubs or other drinking establishments in places like (or places that, in fact, are) Ann Arbor, Michigan?

Scott Hamm:

Mr. Kreider will be happy to come in Ann Arbor, because it has many of the groupie-in-waiting there. Perhaps you should recommend to your preferred bookshop that they accommodate the presentation and the reading by him and pass his contact information on to them.

It is true: Mr. Kreider is paid a sum in a manner insultingly low for his efforts. Often have I listened to the polemic on this theme.



18 May 2006

"Never before have I experienced such powerful desire for anyone for whom I felt such intense loathing."

Congratulations! Now you know what Republicans, Fundamentalists and, heck, the Right Wing in general go through every day of their lives.


Alex Morris

Alex Morris:

To you Mr. Kreider said, "touché." Although he doubts whether even the conservatives truly wish to kiss Hillary Clinton.



18 May 2006

Mr. Kreider,

further proof that small town america hates sex. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/05/17/national/main1625059.shtml

a po'dunk town in montana bans unmarried couples with more than two children from living together.

also, in regards to your Artist's Statement. there must be something wrong with me, because the "tounge in your ass" line made me laugh like a mental patient. one wonders how anyone can still run into frigid humorless woman in New York. ???long time fan,



Mr. Kreider is resolutely unaware of everything done in the cruel states, as the knowledge of their stupidity could only annoy him without resource.

Alas the glacials and they without humour are the only women whom he has met in New York. He appreciates your maniacal laughter at the tongue in the rectum.



18 May 2006

Hey Tim,

Sorry to hear that your work has killed your love life. Girls can be such sissies, sometimes. Personally, I think your stuff is hilarious. Look me up if you're ever in Boston and need a blowjob.


PS- I'm bi, so I loved the line "please at least consider going bi." Also love how you always put yourself in the absolute worst position in your comix.


Yours is, alas, the only sexual offer which he received in response to his complaint. It occurs that Mr. Kreider now approaches the low point in his eternal cycle of covetousness and despair when he entertains the option of becoming active gay seriously. He appreciates your offer of fellatio and will keep you current if he gives up his orientation.

It is not only in his work that Mr. Kreider often places himself in the worst position absolutely, I can say to you.



25 May 2006

Dear Phelatia,

Please express my admiration to Comrade Kreider for the finest, most succinct and inspiring cartoon in a while. It has not felt this good to feel one's hackles rise in reverie in quite some time. I'm sure this will adorn my dwelling for a long time to come as I'm sure it will be prominently displayed on Comrade Mike's front door, if not tattooed to his forehead.


Rev. A Stone (aka cancer boy)

P.S. Please tell Comrade Kreider that for extra punch when discussing this topic at book signings to consider popping an Alka-Seltzer tablet just before spewing the ever lengthening list of offences for the appropriate level of foam. It has a thick consistency and will be visibly noticeable even to a distant audience. But then I'm a sucker for theatrics.

Dear Comrade Boy of Cancer,

Thanks to you for your compliments on the recent cartoon of Mr. Kreider’s. It would be pleasant for him to imagine that this image tattooed on the face of one of his admirers.

I assure you that Mr. Kreider does not need the false foam when he speaks about the administration of Bush.



25 May 2006


My name is Levi Bailey and I live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. My friend Josh let me read his copy of "The Pain...When Will It End?" last year, and it absolutely destroyed me with my own laughter. It was amazing. I found a damaged copy of "Why Do They Kill Me?" in a local comic book store for $5.00, and scooped it up as quickly as I could, almost knocking someone down in the process.

I'm having less fun reading this book...not because it isn't amazing (it is), and not because it isn't right-fucking-on (it is). It just bums me out that everybody knows that everything is totally wrong, but no one is doing anything about it (i.e., impeaching Dubya, rioting in the streets, scaring the hell out of rich people). Instead, we're paying more for gas, ignoring the war ("I'm so TIRED of seeing these body count reports! I mean, geez! Enough! I know, I know...people are dying!" - friend of mine), and letting Bush do whatever he wants, including getting away with illegal wiretapping and raping of phone records. Awesome. That's why I'm writing: I guess I'm fucking slow, or I would have read this book when it came out. For this, I apologize. But, yeah, I'm just reading it right now, and I just (like, five minutes ago), got to the comic comparing Bush to Nixon. And it mentions how Nixon tried to cover up illegal wiretapping, and then how Bush pisses all over the constitution and U.N. If that comic were to be re-written today, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, it would be "Nixon, tried to cover up wiretapping" and "Bush, would love to see you try and stop him from doing whatever the fuck he wants, including wiretapping".

So, yeah, Mr. Kreider is a genius, a Nostradamus-like teller of truths (I mean, sure, those truths should be obvious to anyone with half a brain, but we live in America. Mmm-mmm. Tasty.), and a funny motherfucker. I have lots of friends who have all the answers about politics and life, who can tell me how fucked up everything is, but none of them puts that shit into powerful comics and books. Thank him for me.

Love and Respect,

Levi Jacob Bailey

Levi Bailey,

Mr. Kreider would make me give his gratitude for your generous compliments on his work. He is saddened to imagine a damaged copy of his book on sale for only five dollars. It is like describing his delayed child tormented by despots in the playground. Although he grumbles that is this what is to be counted upon. (You will forgive the sound of bitterness. It is the manner of many cartoonists, I fear.)

As for your concerns, Mr. Kreider believes that nothing will change until the liberals protest by massive organization. He suggests ceasing to buy the shit (they are his words) and not to go to work, as they are the only things by which the Masters of the Corporations of America are worried. (Mr. Kreider is a defender not to go to work for any reason.) He is full with hope that even the Republican congress can rebel against the Bush the tyrant idiotic now that he has invaded their offices, and that if the democrats triumph in the elections in November they may yet have Bush pilloried.

These hopes are weak, however. Himself, he looks to emigrate in the Autumn.



27 May 2006

Dear Ms. Czochula-Hautpanz,

Please relay to Mr. Kreider how fond I am of his work; it is refreshing to see comics on the web that are actually drawn with pens and so on. If I ever manage to make it back to the city of my birth, I will buy Mr. Kreider a beer. Or several. Since I have been known to draw the occasional comic myself, I humbly offer strip of mine that Mr. Kreider may enjoy, which can be found at http://www.cameronleyda.com/comics/substitutee/goldbrickin.html. Again, please let Mr. Kreider know that his comics make my life approximately a million times better. Thank you.

Regards, Cameron L.

Cameron Leyda:

Mr. Kreider thanks his Baltimorean compatriot for the compliments. I made him to follow your link, but unfortunately it is seldom supportable for him to look at other cartoons, as they either suffuse him with despair because they are better than his or because they are worse. He is a complicated and sensitive man, much requiring protection and to spoil.

He says that he shivers to imagine to feel only one millionth as good as his cartoons would make somebody feel.