Enemies of The Pain

(does not include professional nemeses, hatgeful exes, or evil doppelgängers)

1. Mrs. Derbyshire, Eighth grade Algebra teacher. Gave me an "E +" on a notebook because of the 47 drawings of old men in it. Also, returned tests in order of their scores just to humiliate students. What was with that?


2. Dick Cheney, former U.S. Vice-President. Gave me a smug "fuck you" wave and a tight little smirk of triumph when his motorcade passed the protest at his inaugural parade. Also, single-handedly dragged the country into an unprovoked war for oil. General all-around dick.


3. (Tie) Eric Shoemacher, high school classmate who tore up my drawing of an orc and smiled, and
   Taylor Brazen, high school classmate who mocked my virginity and socks. How are you guys doing these days? I'm a famous cartoonist living in a turret in New York City, getting published in the New York Times, beset by beautiful young groupies.


4. The Chinese. The government, I mean. A stupid, thuggish totalitarian state. Crudely attempts to demonize the Dalai Lama, of all people. I mean, come on: the Dalai Lama? He's just not good villain material.


5. Older boy who tormented me, name unknown, Green Spring development, ca. 1975. Picked on me, knocked me down, pulled my hair, and called me "Mister Temper" when I got mad. If I could track him down and murder him without getting caught I'd have to think it over.


6. Lars von Trier, director of Breaking the Waves. If I ever meet him I'm immediately punching him in the face.


7. Kinko’s Copies, Charles Street, Baltimore. "Lost" or "discarded" my original artwork for the label to my homemade dandelion wine, which had been signed by Ray Bradbury.


8. William Wegman, artist. Living symbol of artistic cowardice, complacency and greed.